Sunday, August 19, 2012

India’s population to be reduced to half after SMS ban implemented

Starting today, over a period of next 15 days India’s population is expected to be reduced to half of its current number of 1.2 billion, reports said. This analysis has come in light after Indian government’s decision to limit the number of chain text messages that can be sent to a maximum of 5 persons a day, announced yesterday.According to estimates, about 51 percent of India’s population comprises of youth in the 13-28 year age group out of which 99 percent are expected to die over the next 15 days if they still remain in the country without being able to send chain messages.A huge portion of this population, mostly girls, started spontaneously combusting and dying of heart attacks when they realized last midnight that they can know longer send group text messages to more than 5 people.

This decision has caused an outrage among people from this age group who have taken up the issue on social networking sites likeTwitter and Facebook.Priyanka Verma, a Delhi University student had this to say on India TV News: “Oh gosh! I got like the biggest shock of my life last night when I was like sending a goodnight message to the 198 people in my Samsung Galaxy S3 contact list.I just hope the government had like prepared us for this like huge piece of shock through messaging only because I have like better things to do in my life than like doing loser and boring things like reading the newspaper.My daily routine used to be like a goodmorning message to everyone I know along with a discussion about like what for and where I was going to go shopping today.Followed by 8 messages per day per peson that I used to send like ranging from topics like love, relationships, Twilight, heart-break, Ranbir Kapoor, my new emo-haircuts followed by a mass “gud9yt every1.Swt drmzzz” The sad thing is that I still have like 258 free messages remaining on my free message pack.And since the failed sms sending last night I’m experiencing like migraines and increased heart-beat, but I’m just glad I didn’t like spontaneously combust like the rest of my girly friends did.”

Meanwhile, some tragic reports of suicides and youngsters fleeing the country are also coming up.Simran Oberoi(name changed for privacy reasons) from Chandigarh last night tweeted: “oMg! hOw cUd dEy dO dIs tO mE. I m kIlLiNg mAhsElf.GuDbYeeee eVeRy1. TeNk YeW fOh aLL da lUv n dUn evAh 4gEt me pLzzzzzzzzzzz.”She was later found dead in her room with Justin Bieber’s hit single, “Baby” playing in the background.Also some teenagers and yuppies that are still miraculously alive were today spotted crossing over to the Bangladesh border and they had this to say about the whole issue, “Man, crossing over to Bangladesh is the smartest decision we’ve made since deciding to wait for the iPhone 5 instead of buying the Samsung Tab.But anyway, we know Bangladesh is an unsafe, flithy, extremist-infested country but atleast we will die knowing in her hearts that it has the cheapest call and sms rate in the whole world without any restriction.Grameen Phone rocksss!”

Meanwhile, the remaining one percent youth population that is not addicted to chain messaging has welcomed the government’s decision. Varun Sharma, a smartass from Bangalore wrote on a blog, “I’m so fucking glad man! I mean I was sick of all those assholes, cousins and bimbos sending me texts which said I would get my balls eaten by an alligator if I didn’t forward their message to 10 more people.I’m glad it’s all over.India could do with less discussion about pink coloured shoes.Finally I can now go back to my Facebook message boards and argue in peace with everyone else on why Charlie Sheen and Two A Half Men are the greatest things to happen to guys ever.”

Interestingly, conspiracy theorists have also accused this decision to be a planned government propoganda for controlling India’s population.Manish Singh, another marijuana-addicted smartass from Mumbai wrote on Facebook, “Well obviously, the government is trying to pull a fast one on us defending this decision saying this had to be done for the safety of North Easterners so that no more rumors are spread against them.First arranging emergency trains to make them flee Bangalore and now this, everyone knows that no government is THAT stupid to think that these two measures are what it takes to actually guarantee the safety of people.It is all a big joke. Open your eyes people.”


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