I hereby censor you, bitches!(Part 1)

Okay, I’m pissed again. Just 2 hours after I had relished the best dinner ever last night-courtesy mindblowing dal makhani with the softest Tandoori rotis ever while gawking at Pamela Anderson’s 43 year old Silicon-ized yet still totally ultra hot side boob I found out that the show was getting censored and I didn’t have enough money to pay for the delicious cuisine.


Now, while the monetary matter is no big deal anymore for me since I’ve found myself experiencing the state of broke-dom on more occasions than you have typed lolzzzzz or some Rajnikant joke on Facebook, anything or anyone that attempts to separate me from my Pammie will face the wrath of my raging inferno similar to that of the bad-ass action movie character of Viviek Oberoi(or is it Viveik? Fuck Numerology dude, you know you suck and changing the way you spell your name will not make your movies not suck or suck any less than they already suck so go suck on the same American hooker’s titties whose accent you try to copy every time you get interviewed by the folks at ETC Punjabi) .

I’ve been a fan of Pam since the time I used to get my ass kicked (figuratively) during parent-teacher meetings back in junior high school. Watching late night Baywatch telecasts only to be knocked down night after night(literally) during teenage, thanks to her 100 plus Playboy pictures(thank you CERN, or whoever the fuck Dan Brown says created Internet) and she still remains the hottest blonde ever to walk this planet and not even Charlize Theron or Carmen Electra or Maria Sharapova or Torrie Wilson from WWE come close(think of Paris Hilton or Britney Spears in this list and I shoot you in the neck) and I will never let the Information and Broadcasting Ministry or any bunch of balding old fucks incapable of getting laid anymore deprive me of that.

Now, I have hated these reality shows ever since MTV let Roadies and Splitsvilla out of its horseshit-box kept preserved for our particular dickhead-for-a-real-head generation and I have bashed every such show more than enough in my previous 8 blogs to start ranting again. So, needless to say, Bigg Boss has always been just another ridiculously-scripted-and-mass-fed-to-entertainment-hungry-douchebags piece of shit for me and when I heard the news of Pamela’s arrival the decision to watch the show was like swallowing my own puke hoping that the sweet taste of Ferrero Rocher I ate hours ago would still remain.

So I anticipated and watched Tuesday’s episode ordering everyone around not to disturb me unless they craved for a Saw-like death. She didn’t arrive and I ended up watch some obnoxious fatass from Punjab ma-behen-her guts out, a couple of Bollywood wannabes play mind numbing politics, the chick from that awful Ekta Kapoor serial order around and that Pakistani bimbo stand in front of the camera time and again and speak in fake North American accent (which reminds me darling, stop screwing around with that loser Bollywood twat unless you want to star in some Multimedia sex scandal and/or/anyway get sliced into little pieces of meat when you land in Pakistan).

Pamela finally appeared on Wednesday looking a tad old but hot as ever in a white sari and I finally found it worth all the effort and under two hours of mindfucking I had tolerated on the show, and I began looking forward to the next episodes and it was all fine until I came across the news that the show was getting censored (along with the respected Rakhi Sawant’s melodrama which surely beats everything fucked up and fucked over you have ever witnessed). Just when I was beginning to get alarmed I realized that there was no cancelling or editing, only the telecast timings got shifted until after 11 pm and that is when my bullshit alarm rang off and I couldn’t stop laughing the fuck out of every tissue, ligament and muscle in my body.

Now, I know that the Indian government keeps on bettering itself every time it comes to taking totally laughable and dim-witted decisions (like not hanging Kasab, not removing reservations, not offering Arundhati Roy’s ass on a Bofors missile to Pashto-speaking-donkey-fucking Talibani militants, not pushing Obama down from the 14th floor of the Trident and not assassinating Dhoni publicly for picking up Ravindra Jadeja and Murali Vijay time and again) yet it has beaten itself this time.This action by the ministry sprouts several questions in my mind.

First and foremost, why do you find ever second thing around inappropriate? Isn’t that best left to Shiv Sena and Bajrang Dal?

Secondly, even if you do, what purpose are you solving by delaying the said obscene show’s telecast by 2 hours? How many kids do you know that actually go to bed before 11 anymore? I’m an Engineering student and on an average day that is the time the night usually commences for me. Even 10 year olds these days hang on to their Playstations for a long time until after their parents are asleep. Unless you’re an ugly first bencher prick that goes to bed every night at 10 to get up early only to cram made up shit I’m guessing you don’t hit the sack before at least midnight. And things will remain so as long as they keep producing dope(high-5 my boys!) and mobile phones(yes, most of you chicks are addicted and if no one calls you up unless you’re an introvert or hate late night chats it only means you’re unwanted and no one likes you, go kill yourself listening to Backstreet Boys’ newest album).

Thirdly, you have only given the show more publicity, even those who do not give a fuck about the two shows will now check them out only because they are now somehow out of bounds. Do what they specifically ask you not to do. Basic human psyche, right?

Why not just take the contents off air in case you don’t want people to watch it. Either you take away the right to free speech completely or you stop grumbling, morons.

Who exactly are you trying to save from these two shows in the name of Indian morals and ethics, the aunties that have watched every family value get blasted off to deep space on Ekta Kapoor sagas for the past 10 years or the youth that has downloaded and Bluetooth-ed every last piece of internet smut you can think of. Do you honestly think people aren’t coming across ma-behen encounters everyday in schools, buses, on the streets and from their husbands?

Importantly, since you are now fixing a time for telecasting such material shouldn’t the amount of graphic nature of the telecast vary proportionally to how late into the night we get from now on? 11 pm for cleavage and cuss-words to be followed by double X Sharon Stone-in-Basic-Instinct kind of stuff by late midnight and finally hideous bondage anal fucking later to sign off the night?

And among all this over-reacting and lameness, how could you miss the basic reason you need to justify for censoring these shows, which is that they are fucking brain-dead and reduce our country’s overall IQ and GDP by making everyone dumber than before, ban them on the basis of stupidity and for the TRPs(Totally Ridiculous People)they generate, so hard to figure out?

Ban Splitsvilla and Roadies not for the objectification of women and obscenity but for making this country’s youth aware that you can be as stupid as a little stone lying on the side of a road covered in dog shit and still end up becoming famous or a VJ. Meanwhile, I have had enough of this bullshit.

You’re all fucking phonies that piss me off.

I hereby censor you from my life. Fuck it, you’re all banned.

India's Retard Box

Nopes, TV is just not Idiot Box anymore, specially Indian TV, it just does not deserved to be called that now, it has been dumbed down and dim-witted far too much to still be referred to by a word as un-glorified and plain as idiot.I don’t even know where to begin giving reasons; first of all, we’ve got Aajtak, Star News, IBN 7 and India TV –collectively predicting the world’s end every fortnight, giving us the exact location of the place Lord Shiva resides, enlightening us with important Saas-Bahu aur Saajish news and whether Aliens do drink cow milk indeed.No shitting.

You’ve got Zee TV, a channel that helps lift the confidence of the entire nation creating successful people every 2 months-courtesy the gazillion talent shows which means that soon we will have more winners running around than losers like me who have never had the opportunity to enrich their lives by being on shows like Roadies and Splitsvilla-two shows that “represent Indian Youth” like nothing else.

Then there’s Sony-the channel(that gave us the legendary ACP Pradyuman and Oh god yaahan pe toh laash hai, Daya darwaaza tod do!) where Anu Malik and Archana Puran Singh wouldn’t shut the fuck up,  Anu with his tough-Simon Cowell impersonation and stupid A-A, B-B rhyming scheme one-liners and Archana on obnoxious comedy shows with fake laughter tracks.

Not to mention Star Plus-the flag bearer of Indian saas-bahus since the very first Ekta Kapoor show where an Indian woman got married for the first time to a rich businessman she would re-marry 10 years and 75 divorces later.

There’s this Hospital drama on Star One more dramatic than the equally shitty Grey’s Anatomy it tries to copy, just like MTV shows such as Splitsvilla are like dumb-fucked versions of Desperate Housewives(Desperate House-whores?).

Also, we’ve got Star NEWS that boasts of the Sansani guy who looks like a Christian-Bale-in-American-Psycho kind of serial rapist and will never stop pointing at the camera and yelling-Chain se sona hai toh jaag jaiye!

There’re ETC and ETC Punjabi, two channels that kind of make me think that every NRI Punjabi munda on this planet is a Snoop Dogg–inspired thug(to all the Punjabi rappers-Guys, just because Bohemia sold 5 million records with 3 albums rapping about 1)doing weed and  chicks and 2)doing weed and chicks and 3)doing weed and chicks does not mean one bit that your balls should start itching at the slightest thought of a video consisting of rented Lamborghinis and fake-tit models, have more substance than boobs in your music please?).

We’ve got Ganguly-our once national hero now been reduced to hosting some lame ass game show on Bengali TV or something. Then there’re men on Discovery and Animal Planet who pick up snakes like Emraan Hashmi picks up chicks in Mahesh Bhatt-produced movies-one on each hand, one on the head and the remaining where-the-fuck-ever.For Wrestling fans there’s TNA Ke Sikandar-where commentators can be seen reading incessantly from the script.

The biggest piece of prime time mind-numbing up on TV right now though, has to be BIGG BOSS.Just because Shilpa Shetty took 5 crores to cry all sensitive and sissy on this show’s BIGG BROTHER does not mean you take 15-odd losers of epic proportions and lock them up in a house does it?

Also, you either show soft porn or spirituality. No middle ground please. Imagine sitting in your living room someday, totally bored, all by yourself, flipping frantically through various channels, overtaken by lust-searching for bikini babes on FTV or something, only to end up unexpectedly on a close up of a butt naked Munishri Tarun Saagar ji and his pubic hair on Aastha Channel while he is sitting wearing nothing but spectacles, ranting away some pseudo-spiritual bullshit about cleansing(he would do a better job if he cleansed his body hair first) their souls to fat Aunties in a voice that would make the shrill supersonic cacophony of Scandinavian bats sound like that Titanic single by Celine Dione, this also reminds me that if my mom wakes me up at 7 to watch the thumping-hairy chest of Baba Ramdev, outstretched on the floor wearing orange coloured boxers and then lifting his legs high in the air only to end up pointing his ass at the camera ever again, an overdose of the most erotic Carmen Electra Playboy stripteases wouldn’t be enough to help me recuperate from the visual and sexual trauma that is likely to haunt me for the rest of my life.

Personally I cannot wait for Rakhi Sawant’s Rakhi Ka Insaaf. Already saw the promos of a cleavage revealing-cat eyed Rakhi yelling- tu to saala na-mard hai at some stunned guy sitting next to the wife he probably cheated on.Enough said,it is going to be epic. Start counting the TRPs(Totally Ridiculous Peeps) this show is going to generate already. The success of this show to be followed by Rakhi Ka IPL(Indian Pappi League).

P.S.~  Up yours Rajat Sharma and Kiran Bedi, this country does not need your justice anymore.

Muah!

Dear MTV, fuck you

I first came across you as a kid addicted to Linkin Park and Bon Jovi videos.You were called Music Television, a name you more than lived up to.The music, the VJs, Bakra, everything was cool, it was all good..But somewhere down the line you turned gay and decided that you wanted to suck more balls than a whore on a Saturday night.The freshness of your shows disappeared faster than heterosexual behaviour in a Karan Johar movie, the music turned shittier than a Municipality sewage tank and even a Ramgopal Verma movie is more entertaining than the new bunch of wannabe retards that you call VJs.

Dear Nikhil Chinappa- Dude, you were my hero 10 years ago.But for all your coolness on MTV Select, anger and tough guy brashness alongside that bald dickhead on Roadies, what the fuck are you doing hosting Talent shows for saas-bahu audience and making stupid bimbos strut their cleavage on Splitsvilla? Also, the ultra-bright Submerge Says : Dance T-shirt you keep flaunting on every second show you judge is louder than Metallica’s last album, that your Paagal-panti Quotient, eh?

Dear Jose- First of all, your name, goatee, haircut and look more than convince me that you are the lovechild of some illegal Mexican drug dealer and a Bihari Bar dancer. Second of all, what the fuck is up with you running around asking stupid questions to people only your channel considers to be celebs? Not surprised that you even have a whore in your name.I also realize that Ayushmann is giving you tips on how to over-over act and sound gayer than SRK but you don’t really have to follow that, just like no one follows the shows you host.

Dear Anusha-Yes, you are damn hot. But what the hell are you doing advising an 11 year old boy on how to wear fashionable clothes to impress girls, that too in that shitty upper lip accent of yours, the one that occasionally sounds worse than that fake North American horseshit Aishwarya gives a shot at every time she’s on Oprah or Letterman promoting her equally shitty Hollywood endeavors(by the way, what the fuck is she doing copying Will Smith’s Robot classic with the real Chennai Super King, does she not realize that only he has been granted with Physics and Logic defying talent by the almighty ?). But seriously Anusha, chick advice to a 10 year old? When I was that age I used to think boobs were nothing but a consequence of every female elder to me strangely getting bitten by a mosquito at the same two spots every time.

Dear Cyrus Broacha- Dude seriously, Y.O.U. A.R.E. N.O.T. F.U.C.K.I.N.G. F.U.N.N.Y. Sticking a finger up your nose for comedy on live TV stopped being funny by the time David Schwimmer got married for the 3rd time on F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I bet our Cricket team’s dismal performance in the last world cup was a sign of protest in response to you hosting the event for the whole cunt-ry.

Dear Bani- Just one thing.Its good to shut the fuck up once in a while, you know.Oh, and I love your Tattoo.

Coming back to you MTV, and coming back to your biggest contribution to Indian TV –Reality Shows. Now if I were to get started on Roadies(I am very scared of your sideburns Raghu bhaiya, please don’t ask me the definition of adventure or what it takes to be a Roadie if you’re reading this, I used to shit my pants every time you yelled at some dude anyway, and FYI-the stray dog that takes a piss on my front gate every morning can judge people better than you do) or Splitsvilla(bimbos mud-wrestling in bikinis in search for love?)i’m sure this site’s servers wouldn’t be big enough to store the sheer length of hatred I can come up with.Thanks to you and these two shows MTV, every Tom, Dick and Clitoris walking around is using the F-word at a fuck per sentence average rate that would make the Commonwealth Committee’s we're making progress rant to castrate itself in shame.

And yes, I do believe that these shows aren’t scripted. Just like WWE and the Bible. Also MTV, will you please try something apart from fake MMS rumors the next time you’re promoting these two shows, think of all the bandwidth that got wasted the past year due to lonely folks Googling Hot Sakshi and Tamanna mms scandal enthusiastically with their left hands.

Your biggest pick-up line has always been that you represent the Youth, but seriously, Ranbir Kapoor? Pepsi commercials? Youngistaan? How about an Oldistaan ad for my grandpa, he has made more difference to my neighborhood than Bani’s questions to Robin Uthappa during IPL Parties. You want to know the fucking reality of our Youth MTV? Most of our teenagers are fucked up mentally and physically cause of parental and peer pressure, Applied Maths, Drugs, bullies, drunken sex on the backseat of some SUV, poor grades and Pamela Anderson’s Playboy pictures. Don’t make them so brain dead that even the new reservations proposed by Lalu Prasad or some newly opened Work in Kanadda immigration agency in Punjab fail to promise them a future.

Also, please enlighten me why your Tickr is always making unoriginal jokes about people like Himesh who you otherwise keep on promoting 24x7 every time he comes up with a new movie opposite some under-aged girl.And what the fuck is up with this new Male Fantasy shit? 3 guys in a pool searching for lingerie while being surrounded by 25 bikini babes ? What are you going to sell next? I bet Rakhi Sawant Ka Insaaf is going to make for a more logical viewing.

Your equally kEwL brother Channel V is no less, Dare 2 Date, Lovenet , Roomies(MMS, did we say?).And what the fuck is this creature that runs around gali-mohallas calling himself Andy(by the way, guys gyrating to Techno music in their V shaped underwears being judged by Andy, please rename Get Gorgeous to Get Holy Fucking Gay).

I know MTV, I know that you are the coolest thing that ever happened to this planet, you even have that obnoxious cunt from Splitsvilla interview Meghna Naidu and Sherlyn Chopra outside Malls.That is very informative indeed.But why is it that everything you inflict upon us eventually gets reduced to girls walking/dancing/swimming in a bikini or flirting with every guy that walks their way or carrying out an open maa-behen encounter with each other in crowded areas?

No, I won’t accept it as Reality or Youth Representation, I refuse to.

Unless of course, you put me next to those Thai hotties on that Male Fantasy Thing.In that case I assure you, we're cool.