Of leaks, whistle-blowings and blames!

Those of you that are utterly pissed off due to leakage problems, be it your leaking ceiling, the leaking septic tank of your moronic neighbour that is making your life shittier than it already is, certain parts of your anatomy that I’d rather not go into details of(since I’m making a real concerted effort of  keeping expletives to a minimum in this post) or every plan of your life backfiring you might have just found the 1) consolation, or better- 2) the answer to all your hassles respectively.

I’m talking of course, about Wikileaks-something that experts are already unanimously agreeing to be the biggest piece of whistle-blowing in human history since a mass group of desperate Indian guys got a notion in the early 90’s that making high frequency noises by rounding up their tongues might fetch them pussy(needless to say, one-third of them still are, and will probably die virgins, others locked up and the remaining one-third demolish Archies gift shops every Valentine’s Day on an annual basis(actually, a piece-of-monkey-shit Happy-Friendship-Day card for 150 bucks, fuck you Archies-wallahs, you deserve it!).

Now here’s how it works- when your life is out of control and you keep getting shit from everyone, especially at a time full of scams and leaks like now, there’s a couple of things you can do to save your ass (no don’t keep a hand on your left boob and start chanting All is well- that is just gay, moreover it won’t get you anywhere or do dick for you).Wikileaks can inspire you on both the fronts.

The first thing is relative misery, simple psychological fact that watching someone with a more fucked up existence on this planet than your own temporarily makes you feel happy, secure and that you are much less of a douchebag than you actually are. So the easier route out is making friends with losers of gigantic proportions, you know, hanging out with semi-apes that can’t judge you cause they’ve screwed up on more occasions than you have, you know, hanging around people that suck more than you do so you can perceive their suck as making your suck suck less, you know, stuff like that.

However if you, like me , are too lazy to get dressed up and go out on weekends or belong to the People-equal-shit school, based on current affairs, you can look for solace towards every government, bureaucrat, MNC and intelligence agency that has been ripped apart by the Wikileaks. When was the last time you saw world’s most powerful governments brought down to their knees(now I would have loved to add a daily life reference to this brought-down-to-the-knees situation here but like I told you-this post would be cleaner in tone) by a bunch of bored Chinese and British hackers?

While the FBI/CIA/NSA/rest of the government-funded American security agencies consisting of those cool-looking-dressed-in-black suit-and-glasses-24/7 undercover agents we keep coming across in Hollywood action movies won’t stop tapping and tracing phone calls made by an average American at any given time(while  spying on Beijing and Moscow all the time and then shamelessly exchanging the prosecuted spies), the US government is taking a hair up its ass when its own right to privacy and secrecy is getting vanished quicker than logic in a Ram Gopal Verma movie. Irrespective of the fact the Americans, like every time, have fucked up again with what they think is a viable solution- framing the Wikileaks founder with rape charges, like that is going to make a difference now with over 150,000 documents and news of Sarah Palin’s boob-job already out.

So all you have to tell yourself is that if Hillary Clinton and John McCain can have sleepless nights(and this time, not because of a cheating husband that fucks his secretary and old-age disorders respectively) you, being a fucking nobody can have people point their fingers at you without making a big deal about it, savvy?

                                                        OR

If you think the miserly thing is best left to whiny wimps and sissies and you, like me, are too cool and stud-like to let others live in harmony you can get inspired by the leaks to justify your fuck up again.

                           BLAME THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE!

That’s the fucking motto, that is what every country, every president, every government official is doing ever since the leaks came out. So if you can’t blame Pakistan or Iran or North Korea for playing Counter Strike or watching Fashion TV when you were supposed to assist your girlfriend in buying her third pair of slippers or gay leather handbags in as many weeks blame it on the Bob Marley-fan friend of yours that needed you to get him quick medical attention cause of a marijuana overdoze. Or that you were at someone’s funeral at that time. I’m already planning to accuse my teachers of  being incapable of teaching when I fuck up my upcoming exams and mom-dad playing good cop-bad cop, interrogate me for reasons (Now don’t ask me if I’ve ever pulled off either of these stunts before. *Wink*).

Throw conspiracy theories, if the American government, after getting attacked by a bunch of pissed off knuckle-head Muslims can run conspiracy theories saying 9/11 was a controlled demolition/inside job, a ploy to scare it’s own people, and get away with it then you should do just fine. If our own government can justify corruption, unemployment and everything it fucks up as a conspiracy set off by someone, if the folks at Wikileaks can put up anything on their site accusing anyone of anything you can surely blame the traffic and those lousy SUVs for being late to early morning classes day after day when you get fucking stoned and pass out night after night. Its when people like Karan Johar, Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, Emran Khan(of the kya hume kisi se sirf tab tak pyaar karna chahiye jab tak woh humse pyaar karein? fame) and the Twilight vampire confess to being aliens sent from the planet Faggotron in order to damn Earth-dom into eternal homosexuality that you should start taking notice. Till then, blame.

Everyone gets caught. No one gets prosecuted. Even if they do 20 years after raping an under-aged girl they come out of jail, smiling, after a month cause isn't that what Nehru taught us? Smile.

So fuck Eat Pray Love already. Smile, leak, rape, blame.

How to piss off Indian girls-Part 1

                                                The Paris Hiltons

Not too uncommon in big cities, these are the extremely-important-for-India’s-economic-and-cultural-development-pomp-and-show-personally-crafted-by-the-almighty-and-his-gift-to-mankind species that can be seen living the hard and unfair life of making harsh decisions like choosing between spending time at spas, beauty parlors or roaming around in malls at night wearing a tank top above over sized breasts(that I bet when they’re taking bath hang in respect to gravity longer than the newly matching curtains they ordered at The Curtain Shop).These tops proudly yell out “ARMANI “ or “BEBE” bright enough in gold or yellow for you to experience temporary brightness if you are within sniffing distance of the new cologne series launched by Jennifer Aniston they poured on their armpits and hands that seriously contain more hair on them than I do at the place my beard should be, and I turned 21 last month. Sigh.

They usually look like cheap Indian version of all those hot Italian models guys grow up watching on Fashion TV while our parents think we’re too pre-occupied howling ma-behen bombs at our cricket team getting ass-fucked by 20 year old Australian batsmen. Also, these girls love wearing glasses at night, that too the ones that are big enough to cover most of their face, including at least 60 percent of their surgically corrected nose(which makes me wonder what was the point of the surgery anyway) and the wide hipped ass is almost always ready to burst out of the shaded French Connection jeans at the slightest provocation at a perpendicular thrust capacity and pressure rate large enough in magnitude for the physicists at ISRO to research the reason behind the GSLV launch failure.

These girls can be seen driving around(sometimes over the utterly unimportant and uninteresting middle class pedestrians returning home from work to their uneventful life and unsexy wife or the totally unwanted Biharis) while their best friend is making out with a guy that wears skin tight narrow jeans covered with a white chain and a Harley Davidson belt on the backseat of daddy’s newly gifted SUV listening to an Akon song that if they had an IQ above that of a baby chipmunk and could understand proper English they would have realized totally insults, disrespects and offends their whole gender.

They try in vain to obnoxiously try speaking in what they think is English coming out of their mouth(“dA cOlOuR pattren f mA nue room is raed n kEwL”, you get the point) on their new cell phones that look so gay( which reminds me that I once dated a girl that owns a dark pink Apple iPod, kill me)that the phones wouldn’t flash twice before they start licking Karan Johar’s Koffee flavored tongue while he is on a conference call with Shahrukh Khan and Kajol discussing new ways of mindfucking us with another 3hour long melodrama in which SRK ends up humping the whole female star cast of the movie and the other chap is unable to get action throughout the movie even from his wife while his dad is Bondage fucking 6 foot blondes cause the overly sensitive Rani Mukherjee is too busy thinking about doing dishes.

Also, in many cases you are likely to find a pack of expensive cigarettes placed carefully next to the passenger seat in a way that every mortal passing by within a meter radius of the car can read the brand name properly, the cigarettes they would most probably never light unless around some guys that themselves drive an Audi and love showing off their most important ishtyle statement i.e. wearing the Louis Vuitton glasses at nightclubs and when it is raining, anytime you don’t require them at all and tight Edhardy Tshirts on their steroid pumped chests flaunting pointy nipples, the sight of which makes me want to hang myself with horse semen. The cigarette is usually just present cause of the kEwLness quotient involved with it.

Now, if  you've had enough of this Public Display of  Retardism and are as repelled by this bullshit as much as I am then all you got to do to piss these beauties off is to let them know that you know a girl that looks good without 2 layers of mascara and got gifted a car,cellphone and iPod that is more expensive than all the stuff they own, that would make the layers of make up to start coming off the face already. So ultimately getting on their dysfunctional nerve would boil down to insulting their most basic necessities of life above mentioned. Just make sure the insult is nowhere close to being logical cause that would fly high and far above their H2O shampooed heads and all your efforts would be rendered futile, only to end up in a “whatever” or “Oh really?” or my personal favorite, “O puhleez, shut up now.”

P.S.~ In the unlikely case that you want her to kill you and then commit suicide just let her know calmly while she is talking to you about the new Katrina Kaif haircut she got 2 days ago at Habib that you didn’t pay attention to what she said cause you were too distracted by her moustache hair and that god awful push-up bra.Best of luck.