Saturday, December 11, 2010

Of leaks, whistle-blowings and blames!

Those of you that are utterly pissed off due to leakage problems, be it your leaking ceiling, the leaking septic tank of your moronic neighbour that is making your life shittier than it already is, certain parts of your anatomy that I’d rather not go into details of(since I’m making a real concerted effort of  keeping expletives to a minimum in this post) or every plan of your life backfiring you might have just found the 1) consolation, or better- 2) the answer to all your hassles respectively.
I’m talking of course, about Wikileaks-something that experts are already unanimously agreeing to be the biggest piece of whistle-blowing in human history since a mass group of desperate Indian guys got a notion in the early 90’s that making high frequency noises by rounding up their tongues might fetch them pussy(needless to say, one-third of them still are, and will probably die virgins, others locked up and the remaining one-third demolish Archies gift shops every Valentine’s Day on an annual basis(actually, a piece-of-monkey-shit Happy-Friendship-Day card for 150 bucks, fuck you Archies-wallahs, you deserve it!).
Now here’s how it works- when your life is out of control and you keep getting shit from everyone, especially at a time full of scams and leaks like now, there’s a couple of things you can do to save your ass (no don’t keep a hand on your left boob and start chanting All is well- that is just gay, moreover it won’t get you anywhere or do dick for you).Wikileaks can inspire you on both the fronts.
The first thing is relative misery, simple psychological fact that watching someone with a more fucked up existence on this planet than your own temporarily makes you feel happy, secure and that you are much less of a douchebag than you actually are. So the easier route out is making friends with losers of gigantic proportions, you know, hanging out with semi-apes that can’t judge you cause they’ve screwed up on more occasions than you have, you know, hanging around people that suck more than you do so you can perceive their suck as making your suck suck less, you know, stuff like that.
However if you, like me , are too lazy to get dressed up and go out on weekends or belong to the People-equal-shit school, based on current affairs, you can look for solace towards every government, bureaucrat, MNC and intelligence agency that has been ripped apart by the Wikileaks. When was the last time you saw world’s most powerful governments brought down to their knees(now I would have loved to add a daily life reference to this brought-down-to-the-knees situation here but like I told you-this post would be cleaner in tone) by a bunch of bored Chinese and British hackers?
While the FBI/CIA/NSA/rest of the government-funded American security agencies consisting of those cool-looking-dressed-in-black suit-and-glasses-24/7 undercover agents we keep coming across in Hollywood action movies won’t stop tapping and tracing phone calls made by an average American at any given time(while  spying on Beijing and Moscow all the time and then shamelessly exchanging the prosecuted spies), the US government is taking a hair up its ass when its own right to privacy and secrecy is getting vanished quicker than logic in a Ram Gopal Verma movie. Irrespective of the fact the Americans, like every time, have fucked up again with what they think is a viable solution- framing the Wikileaks founder with rape charges, like that is going to make a difference now with over 150,000 documents and news of Sarah Palin’s boob-job already out.
So all you have to tell yourself is that if Hillary Clinton and John McCain can have sleepless nights(and this time, not because of a cheating husband that fucks his secretary and old-age disorders respectively) you, being a fucking nobody can have people point their fingers at you without making a big deal about it, savvy?
If you think the miserly thing is best left to whiny wimps and sissies and you, like me, are too cool and stud-like to let others live in harmony you can get inspired by the leaks to justify your fuck up again.
                           BLAME THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE!
That’s the fucking motto, that is what every country, every president, every government official is doing ever since the leaks came out. So if you can’t blame Pakistan or Iran or North Korea for playing Counter Strike or watching Fashion TV when you were supposed to assist your girlfriend in buying her third pair of slippers or gay leather handbags in as many weeks blame it on the Bob Marley-fan friend of yours that needed you to get him quick medical attention cause of a marijuana overdoze. Or that you were at someone’s funeral at that time. I’m already planning to accuse my teachers of  being incapable of teaching when I fuck up my upcoming exams and mom-dad playing good cop-bad cop, interrogate me for reasons (Now don’t ask me if I’ve ever pulled off either of these stunts before. *Wink*).
Throw conspiracy theories, if the American government, after getting attacked by a bunch of pissed off knuckle-head Muslims can run conspiracy theories saying 9/11 was a controlled demolition/inside job, a ploy to scare it’s own people, and get away with it then you should do just fine. If our own government can justify corruption, unemployment and everything it fucks up as a conspiracy set off by someone, if the folks at Wikileaks can put up anything on their site accusing anyone of anything you can surely blame the traffic and those lousy SUVs for being late to early morning classes day after day when you get fucking stoned and pass out night after night. Its when people like Karan Johar, Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, Emran Khan(of the kya hume kisi se sirf tab tak pyaar karna chahiye jab tak woh humse pyaar karein? fame) and the Twilight vampire confess to being aliens sent from the planet Faggotron in order to damn Earth-dom into eternal homosexuality that you should start taking notice. Till then, blame.
Everyone gets caught. No one gets prosecuted. Even if they do 20 years after raping an under-aged girl they come out of jail, smiling, after a month cause isn't that what Nehru taught us? Smile.
So fuck Eat Pray Love already. Smile, leak, rape, blame.


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