Saturday, December 11, 2010

Of leaks, whistle-blowings and blames!

Those of you that are utterly pissed off due to leakage problems, be it your leaking ceiling, the leaking septic tank of your moronic neighbour that is making your life shittier than it already is, certain parts of your anatomy that I’d rather not go into details of(since I’m making a real concerted effort of  keeping expletives to a minimum in this post) or every plan of your life backfiring you might have just found the 1) consolation, or better- 2) the answer to all your hassles respectively.
I’m talking of course, about Wikileaks-something that experts are already unanimously agreeing to be the biggest piece of whistle-blowing in human history since a mass group of desperate Indian guys got a notion in the early 90’s that making high frequency noises by rounding up their tongues might fetch them pussy(needless to say, one-third of them still are, and will probably die virgins, others locked up and the remaining one-third demolish Archies gift shops every Valentine’s Day on an annual basis(actually, a piece-of-monkey-shit Happy-Friendship-Day card for 150 bucks, fuck you Archies-wallahs, you deserve it!).
Now here’s how it works- when your life is out of control and you keep getting shit from everyone, especially at a time full of scams and leaks like now, there’s a couple of things you can do to save your ass (no don’t keep a hand on your left boob and start chanting All is well- that is just gay, moreover it won’t get you anywhere or do dick for you).Wikileaks can inspire you on both the fronts.
The first thing is relative misery, simple psychological fact that watching someone with a more fucked up existence on this planet than your own temporarily makes you feel happy, secure and that you are much less of a douchebag than you actually are. So the easier route out is making friends with losers of gigantic proportions, you know, hanging out with semi-apes that can’t judge you cause they’ve screwed up on more occasions than you have, you know, hanging around people that suck more than you do so you can perceive their suck as making your suck suck less, you know, stuff like that.
However if you, like me , are too lazy to get dressed up and go out on weekends or belong to the People-equal-shit school, based on current affairs, you can look for solace towards every government, bureaucrat, MNC and intelligence agency that has been ripped apart by the Wikileaks. When was the last time you saw world’s most powerful governments brought down to their knees(now I would have loved to add a daily life reference to this brought-down-to-the-knees situation here but like I told you-this post would be cleaner in tone) by a bunch of bored Chinese and British hackers?
While the FBI/CIA/NSA/rest of the government-funded American security agencies consisting of those cool-looking-dressed-in-black suit-and-glasses-24/7 undercover agents we keep coming across in Hollywood action movies won’t stop tapping and tracing phone calls made by an average American at any given time(while  spying on Beijing and Moscow all the time and then shamelessly exchanging the prosecuted spies), the US government is taking a hair up its ass when its own right to privacy and secrecy is getting vanished quicker than logic in a Ram Gopal Verma movie. Irrespective of the fact the Americans, like every time, have fucked up again with what they think is a viable solution- framing the Wikileaks founder with rape charges, like that is going to make a difference now with over 150,000 documents and news of Sarah Palin’s boob-job already out.
So all you have to tell yourself is that if Hillary Clinton and John McCain can have sleepless nights(and this time, not because of a cheating husband that fucks his secretary and old-age disorders respectively) you, being a fucking nobody can have people point their fingers at you without making a big deal about it, savvy?
If you think the miserly thing is best left to whiny wimps and sissies and you, like me, are too cool and stud-like to let others live in harmony you can get inspired by the leaks to justify your fuck up again.
                           BLAME THE SHIT OUT OF EVERYONE!
That’s the fucking motto, that is what every country, every president, every government official is doing ever since the leaks came out. So if you can’t blame Pakistan or Iran or North Korea for playing Counter Strike or watching Fashion TV when you were supposed to assist your girlfriend in buying her third pair of slippers or gay leather handbags in as many weeks blame it on the Bob Marley-fan friend of yours that needed you to get him quick medical attention cause of a marijuana overdoze. Or that you were at someone’s funeral at that time. I’m already planning to accuse my teachers of  being incapable of teaching when I fuck up my upcoming exams and mom-dad playing good cop-bad cop, interrogate me for reasons (Now don’t ask me if I’ve ever pulled off either of these stunts before. *Wink*).
Throw conspiracy theories, if the American government, after getting attacked by a bunch of pissed off knuckle-head Muslims can run conspiracy theories saying 9/11 was a controlled demolition/inside job, a ploy to scare it’s own people, and get away with it then you should do just fine. If our own government can justify corruption, unemployment and everything it fucks up as a conspiracy set off by someone, if the folks at Wikileaks can put up anything on their site accusing anyone of anything you can surely blame the traffic and those lousy SUVs for being late to early morning classes day after day when you get fucking stoned and pass out night after night. Its when people like Karan Johar, Lady Gaga, Justin Bieber, Emran Khan(of the kya hume kisi se sirf tab tak pyaar karna chahiye jab tak woh humse pyaar karein? fame) and the Twilight vampire confess to being aliens sent from the planet Faggotron in order to damn Earth-dom into eternal homosexuality that you should start taking notice. Till then, blame.
Everyone gets caught. No one gets prosecuted. Even if they do 20 years after raping an under-aged girl they come out of jail, smiling, after a month cause isn't that what Nehru taught us? Smile.
So fuck Eat Pray Love already. Smile, leak, rape, blame.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

I hereby censor you, bitches!(Part 1)

Okay, I’m pissed again. Just 2 hours after I had relished the best dinner ever last night-courtesy mindblowing dal makhani with the softest Tandoori rotis ever while gawking at Pamela Anderson’s 43 year old Silicon-ized yet still totally ultra hot side boob I found out that the show was getting censored and I didn’t have enough money to pay for the delicious cuisine.

Now, while the monetary matter is no big deal anymore for me since I’ve found myself experiencing the state of broke-dom on more occasions than you have typed lolzzzzz or some Rajnikant joke on Facebook, anything or anyone that attempts to separate me from my Pammie will face the wrath of my raging inferno similar to that of the bad-ass action movie character of Viviek Oberoi(or is it Viveik? Fuck Numerology dude, you know you suck and changing the way you spell your name will not make your movies not suck or suck any less than they already suck so go suck on the same American hooker’s titties whose accent you try to copy every time you get interviewed by the folks at ETC Punjabi) .

I’ve been a fan of Pam since the time I used to get my ass kicked (figuratively) during parent-teacher meetings back in junior high school. Watching late night Baywatch telecasts only to be knocked down night after night(literally) during teenage, thanks to her 100 plus Playboy pictures(thank you CERN, or whoever the fuck Dan Brown says created Internet) and she still remains the hottest blonde ever to walk this planet and not even Charlize Theron or Carmen Electra or Maria Sharapova or Torrie Wilson from WWE come close(think of Paris Hilton or Britney Spears in this list and I shoot you in the neck) and I will never let the Information and Broadcasting Ministry or any bunch of balding old fucks incapable of getting laid anymore deprive me of that.

Now, I have hated these reality shows ever since MTV let Roadies and Splitsvilla out of its horseshit-box kept preserved for our particular dickhead-for-a-real-head generation and I have bashed every such show more than enough in my previous 8 blogs to start ranting again. So, needless to say, Bigg Boss has always been just another ridiculously-scripted-and-mass-fed-to-entertainment-hungry-douchebags piece of shit for me and when I heard the news of Pamela’s arrival the decision to watch the show was like swallowing my own puke hoping that the sweet taste of Ferrero Rocher I ate hours ago would still remain.

So I anticipated and watched Tuesday’s episode ordering everyone around not to disturb me unless they craved for a Saw-like death. She didn’t arrive and I ended up watch some obnoxious fatass from Punjab ma-behen-her guts out, a couple of Bollywood wannabes play mind numbing politics, the chick from that awful Ekta Kapoor serial order around and that Pakistani bimbo stand in front of the camera time and again and speak in fake North American accent (which reminds me darling, stop screwing around with that loser Bollywood twat unless you want to star in some Multimedia sex scandal and/or/anyway get sliced into little pieces of meat when you land in Pakistan).

Pamela finally appeared on Wednesday looking a tad old but hot as ever in a white sari and I finally found it worth all the effort and under two hours of mindfucking I had tolerated on the show, and I began looking forward to the next episodes and it was all fine until I came across the news that the show was getting censored (along with the respected Rakhi Sawant’s melodrama which surely beats everything fucked up and fucked over you have ever witnessed). Just when I was beginning to get alarmed I realized that there was no cancelling or editing, only the telecast timings got shifted until after 11 pm and that is when my bullshit alarm rang off and I couldn’t stop laughing the fuck out of every tissue, ligament and muscle in my body.

Now, I know that the Indian government keeps on bettering itself every time it comes to taking totally laughable and dim-witted decisions (like not hanging Kasab, not removing reservations, not offering Arundhati Roy’s ass on a Bofors missile to Pashto-speaking-donkey-fucking Talibani militants, not pushing Obama down from the 14th floor of the Trident and not assassinating Dhoni publicly for picking up Ravindra Jadeja and Murali Vijay time and again) yet it has beaten itself this time.This action by the ministry sprouts several questions in my mind.

First and foremost, why do you find ever second thing around inappropriate? Isn’t that best left to Shiv Sena and Bajrang Dal?

Secondly, even if you do, what purpose are you solving by delaying the said obscene show’s telecast by 2 hours? How many kids do you know that actually go to bed before 11 anymore? I’m an Engineering student and on an average day that is the time the night usually commences for me. Even 10 year olds these days hang on to their Playstations for a long time until after their parents are asleep. Unless you’re an ugly first bencher prick that goes to bed every night at 10 to get up early only to cram made up shit I’m guessing you don’t hit the sack before at least midnight. And things will remain so as long as they keep producing dope(high-5 my boys!) and mobile phones(yes, most of you chicks are addicted and if no one calls you up unless you’re an introvert or hate late night chats it only means you’re unwanted and no one likes you, go kill yourself listening to Backstreet Boys’ newest album).

Thirdly, you have only given the show more publicity, even those who do not give a fuck about the two shows will now check them out only because they are now somehow out of bounds. Do what they specifically ask you not to do. Basic human psyche, right?

Why not just take the contents off air in case you don’t want people to watch it. Either you take away the right to free speech completely or you stop grumbling, morons.

Who exactly are you trying to save from these two shows in the name of Indian morals and ethics, the aunties that have watched every family value get blasted off to deep space on Ekta Kapoor sagas for the past 10 years or the youth that has downloaded and Bluetooth-ed every last piece of internet smut you can think of. Do you honestly think people aren’t coming across ma-behen encounters everyday in schools, buses, on the streets and from their husbands?

Importantly, since you are now fixing a time for telecasting such material shouldn’t the amount of graphic nature of the telecast vary proportionally to how late into the night we get from now on? 11 pm for cleavage and cuss-words to be followed by double X Sharon Stone-in-Basic-Instinct kind of stuff by late midnight and finally hideous bondage anal fucking later to sign off the night?

And among all this over-reacting and lameness, how could you miss the basic reason you need to justify for censoring these shows, which is that they are fucking brain-dead and reduce our country’s overall IQ and GDP by making everyone dumber than before, ban them on the basis of stupidity and for the TRPs(Totally Ridiculous People)they generate, so hard to figure out?

Ban Splitsvilla and Roadies not for the objectification of women and obscenity but for making this country’s youth aware that you can be as stupid as a little stone lying on the side of a road covered in dog shit and still end up becoming famous or a VJ. Meanwhile, I have had enough of this bullshit.

You’re all fucking phonies that piss me off.

I hereby censor you from my life. Fuck it, you’re all banned.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I'd rather Face(a)book!

Trying to nail a couple of 3 page long Electromagnetic Field Theory derivations that no one gives a fuck about in my head this past weekend while browsing Facebook on my cell phone browser (subscribed for one month, the Vodafone chaps are probably too busy searching for a new Pug or something to disconnect, hah!) I actually realized how Facebook is very similar to facing a book. Like some high-weightage irritating-ass topic of your most hated subject there are always people on your friend list that you wish to dismember yet you have no choice but to deal with their annoying ass poke-ing just because they once invited you to a Pizza Hut party. I also made it clear in the last blog that Facebook is as full of dicks as Chatroulette, albeit metaphorically. So I came up with what I consider are the 12 most fucked up things you do on Facebook.

1) Adding random people
Now just because the picture of a pet British Bulldog that you found in somebody's album reminded you of your own cheeks is not quite the reason you should have sent an add request to the guy that owns the uglier-than-Vidya Balan creature on this planet. Have at least one tenth-the number of people out of the total in your list that actually know you and will give a fuck if you were to die from an overdose of Ranbir Kapoor movies anytime in near future.
FYI-Having more people in your list does not make you any more kEwL than VJ Bani from MTV. Even Uday Chopra has 55,000 Twitter followers.Live with it.

2) Emo/Cry baby updates that remind you of Ameesha Patel movies
Yes I know that your life sucks more than the Hoover WindTunnel Pet Cyclonic Upright Vacuum Model UH70085 but for your own sake-you don’t have to remind everyone of the said pathetic and whiny little existence 5 times a day do you?
Why did she leave me? is a rhetorical question you should not put up to 567 people that don't give a diving fuck about you but to the girl who couldn’t tolerate you calling her sweetu every time you recharged your sim with 99 bucks in exchange for free talk time minutes.

3)Shakespearan love reborn!
Well, if you're going to update me every 3 hours on the details of your most romantic date ever, if you want me to know that he bought you a meal at the ridiculously overpriced Pizza Hut after a 3 hour show of Emran Khan's latest release where proclaiming, "I'm sexy" is his cool-ass line to get Deepika Padukone wet, if you want me to know he wrote a special poem for you(probably Ctrl+ V-ed from Google, you're too dumb to figure out), if you want me to be aware of your most intimate and personal moments I’d rather just see you two fuck in front of a webcam and upload the link on your status. Yes, he’s showing you around restaurants and candle light dinners, and if it ever occurs to you, that is because someday he wants to bang you like a frenzied chimpanzee out of a zoo , so hard to figure? It’s not like he’s spending the college books money on a Pankaj Udhas concert. If your god gave you an extra pair of tits and holes that you could just wrap inside an overpriced Archies gift case and present to him once and for all such that he never has to put up with your repulsive horseshit ever again, that money would surely end up in the hands of a weed dealer at some dim-lit parking lot night after night.

4)I want to end my pathetic existence but I don't know how to

Now I realize that on a planet where Twilight is the most popular teen franchise, creating a page titled I miss you but I can't tell you can be totally overlooked and maybe you can excuse teenage girls for being a part of such a catastrophe but you know it’s going down the fucking drain when 20-something guys join communities based on pseudo-self misery and desolation such as:

She likes him.He likes her.Everyone knows except them.

Well they probably don't give a fuck. Try doing the same since its none of your business?

I pretend I don't care about you but I do.
Because you're too big a pussy to let her know, grow a pair. Or borrow one from Rajnikant, he's the hottest thing in India right now.

Q) Are you there?
A) Yeah, I just don't feel like answering to you.
Don’t. The sex ratio is currently 769:1000.She doesn't give a fuck, she will find someone else.

Saying, "I don't care" when you really do.
Seriously, start sucking Karan Johar's cock already.He shares the same sentiments in his movies.

I hate that empty feeling in your chest when you miss someone.
Maybe it’s a cardiology dysfunction and what you need is a bone marrow transplant, motherfucker!

One day you will regret not valuing me.I will be laughing and you will be crying.
Trust me, that is not going to happen. The self-humiliating-dim-witted little twat that you sound like-she would probably be happily blowing a Roadies contestant on an SUV backseat while you search for ways to get laid without breaking the law.

                                  And my personal favourite

I don't know why but I still love him/her.
Maybe because you know you will never find another transvestite that loves you back ever again?

5) Status updates that make you wish dinosaurs came back and consumed us all
                                       Usually of three kinds:

a) Philosophical and pseudo-intellectual bombs
Look I know you copy-paste from trying to sound intelligent. Anyway, if I gave a fuck about what Paulo Coelho and Robin S. Sharma have to say I wouldn’t be watching dick jokes on South Park right now would I?

b) Emo updates in 3rd person form:

Rajesh is very sad.He misses his pet Cobra that got eaten by Animal Planet's Jeff Corwin.
Okay so who the fuck are you then? His gay alter ego that wants to self-lick Rajesh’s balls on a private yacht somewhere in Venice?

c) Updates in Special characters-
If I wanted to see over-the-top presentation of something simple in a complex form I'd rather watch Priyanka Chopra in Anjaana Anjaani. Stick to English please, unless you want me to go blind?

6) Grow some weed on your farm or shove your mafias where the sun don't shine!
I can play Minesweeper on a Pentium 3 piece of Baboon shit for 3 continuous hours but if you're sending me details of your Farmville and Mafia wars achievements-I’m guessing your life is as pathetic as the farmers of Vidarbha and the Ray Ban wearing gangsters in Ram Gopal Verma’s movies.

7) The dumber-than-chicks-on-MTV advertisements
Also,I’ve known throughout my life of 21 years that I am a sinner (commencing from the time we started spending lunch breaks on school staircases patiently in search of beaver shots 8 years ago) and perhaps that is the reason Facebook is offering me special Free Bible lessons for you but no, thank you. Watching Dara Singh fly around in an orange dhoti on Doordashan 13 years ago was enough religious education for me.

8) Join the Rakhi Sawant appreciation page now!
No I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in becoming a member of the official fan pages of Bobby Deol or Ravindra Jadeja or Anu Malik.Buzz off.

9) So whats your Humanitarian cause?
Yes I’m fully aware that you caught Gonorrhoea when you fucked an illegal Nepali immigrant at a Commonwealth construction site but for your own sake-get off your ass and do something substantial about it instead of creating a page about it on Facebook and then forwarding it.

10)Applications that don't need applying
Just yesterday I came across one that offered to show me my American name and its meaning. Seriously American names have meanings too? The name of ex-Brazilian president(Luiz Lula Da Silva) makes as much sense to my brain than someone whose surname is Bush.(Goes without saying, after guys named Bush and Dick presided over world’s most powerful country and defence respectively for 8 years, is it much of a surprise that the Americans ended up fucking the whole world?).

And I’m hungry, get me a fucking chocolate pie from Wimpy’s or get the fuck out of my life! Your Fortune Cookie is no good with me.

11) *$%$@ just answered a question about you..

...that you need 25 credits to answer.
No, what I need is a credit card to buy myself this!

Do you think Nishant will ever make out with an older woman?
If she happens to be Eva Longoria, totally!

Is Nishant wearing an underwear right now?
Why do you care, are you Sunny Deol from Lux Cozi corporation?

Q) Can Nishant ever have kids?
A)$&%*'s answer is "No".

Alright bitch, if by your answer you implied what I think you did I’m going to kidnap your ass and make an Orangutan finger fuck you till you can't tell the difference between its face and that of Raghu Ram from Roadies(and the face of a 12 inch Ultra Pleasure dildo).



12) *%$#@ just visited your profile!

Alright girls, if I don’t know you and you ever happen to find me in your recent visitors list-it only means I was bored out of my texture-less hair and had absolutely nothing to do other than clicking on random profiles. So dare you start beaming or acting pricey on me. Unless of course, you have a smoking hot profiles picture (in which case be rest assured-I was totally checking you out like a Talibani suicide bomber entering a Los Angeles titty -bar for the first time). In the rare case that you're beauty with brains and I know you well I will probably end up asking you out someday (which would obviously happen after I delete Kelly Brooke’s recent Playboy photo shoot off my memory and hard drive).

On an ending note, if you have a nagging mother who just wouldn’t stop trying to use stuff like Facebook and a touch screen cell phone(which chances are would be screen-destroyed cause of the hard nail tapping) just to put her I-can-be-as-techno-savvy-as-this-generation obsession to rest, you MIGHT NEVER want to add her.

P.S. ~ I’m going back to learning the 3 page-long Electromagnetic Field Theory derivations that no one gives a fuck about.

P.P.S.~Just because no one liked your status update does not mean you have to do it yourself.

P.P.P.S.~ I have added smileys to this writing.

Log onto: to get yours.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Tit for t(h)at, anyone?

Alright now, like most of the 6 blogs before, this one too was a result of the Fucking-bored-out-of-my-hairy-ass syndrome that i’m suffering with ever since I took up engineering. Same reasons-not being allowed to practice guitar at night, no loud music, no ma-behen yelling and stuff, you know.

So I turned to Chat Roulette.

For those of you unaware, it is a “social networking” site that randomly picks up strangers from any part of the world and lets them have an online conversation.A very noble and interesting idea indeed.You open the web page, your web cam gets automatically detected, same case with the other person, and then you two end up video chatting. Until it all goes to hell (leaving you contemplating if indeed your parents would have been better off watching Doordarshan the night they decided to manufacture your worthless little existence).Anyway, I will get to that later.

Before I go any further, let me enlighten you a little about the porn-viewing part of my life until now. It began when I was 14, courtesy-the explicit and (usually) half-open (cause of the BSNL dial-up connection which was slower than Rahul Dravid’s scoring rate) pictures of Aishwarya Rai’s face super-imposed on some Mexican chick’s body. This kind of stuff, mind you, also helped in expanding my vocabulary by making me aware that words like pussy didn’t always mean a cat and cock isn’t just a poultry animal. Also, back then I didn’t know these pictures were as fake as MTV reality shows and Bipasha Basu’s twin jugs. Gradually, by Nokia’s grace, we got blessed with cellphones comprising of the Blue film Bluetooth technology. No prizes for guessing; enter DPS MMS scandal and Quickly, I(along with 25 million other urban teenagers)had graduated from porno comics sold on bus stands to Broadband, Japanese Hentai stuff(clearly having come far from the days I was addicted to Japanese Dragon Ball Z ) and the recent HD Porn(23$ a month membership? Woop! Get yourself a North-Eastern whore instead!) till I finally had enough of it because I began finding porn too mechanical and monotonous.

So, coming back to the main part(which will also make clear the motive behind the above-written paragraph)having explored so much of internet smut, I never thought there was anything hideous or deviant enough a human body could still do over the Internet to embarrass me anymore. Anyway so there I was beginning to get bored of chatting with some random American guy who wanted to know if anyone in my family was a snake-charmer and if all Indians take a shit the way shown in Slumdog Millionaire so I “next-ed” him without as much as a goodbye. Another guy appeared on the screen and asked me to take off my t shirt and I(hardly in the mood to exhibit my non-existent 0-pack abs on the Internet and)still unclear if I felt more complimented than offended by what the guy said)calmly moved on. This was the warning sign I ignored.

And then Armageddon happened.

The next motion picture on half of my screen was a zoomed-in view of an African guy’s you-know-what, pointing proudly in the air with its head(pun intended) held high, like the Qutub Minar during twilight, and he never told me he was African, I didn’t have to ask either. The colour and size sealed the deal, that didn’t need any ISO or ISI or FBI certification. I began wondering, what were the odds that of all the Playboy centrefolds and Penthouse pets on the Internet I had to land up (metaphorically, of course) on a horny black dude playing with his 11 inch long cruiser missile?

Which brings me to the conclusion that Chat roulette is man’s answer to all the female eroticism on the Internet(now I know why Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie are addicted to this site, total suckers for dicks did we say?). But Ashton Kutcher? Dude you have Demi Moore’s sweet ass uploading raunchy pictures of herself on Twitter right by your side every day and you respond to that by watching guys jack off on the Internet? How ungrateful!  

So I quickly ended up the visual distress since I was in no mood to experience the bursting of Niagra Falls(which i’m sure was about to happen soon). Still a little out of senses, I decided to browse a little more to see what else the site could throw at me. Came across guys holding please show me your boobs cards, fake web cam links, potential paedophiles, over cautious guys wearing monkey-caps (one actually looked like a moving dildo with eyes and ears), dick enlargement ads, people smoking weed yada yada...But everything seemed to pale in comparison to the Agni 3 missile show I had witnessed.

So all I can say is that Chatroulette is nothing but a relentless attack by dicks on your common and visual senses, just like Facebook(you know what I mean) and i’m keeping distance from it forever (highly recommended though, if you’re that guy who dreams of humping everything that walks and are used to cumm-ing every time  you log on to the internet).As far as i’m concern, i’m done with it.

P.S.~ The 3 hot blonde girls that consecutively disconnected me(one was kind of generous, she did take time off to call me a fucking Paki) before I could as much as land in a quick “hi” didn’t make me feel much like reconsidering the decision either.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

India's Retard Box

Nopes, TV is just not Idiot Box anymore, specially Indian TV, it just does not deserved to be called that now, it has been dumbed down and dim-witted far too much to still be referred to by a word as un-glorified and plain as idiot.I don’t even know where to begin giving reasons; first of all, we’ve got Aajtak, Star News, IBN 7 and India TV –collectively predicting the world’s end every fortnight, giving us the exact location of the place Lord Shiva resides, enlightening us with important Saas-Bahu aur Saajish news and whether Aliens do drink cow milk indeed.No shitting.

You’ve got Zee TV, a channel that helps lift the confidence of the entire nation creating successful people every 2 months-courtesy the gazillion talent shows which means that soon we will have more winners running around than losers like me who have never had the opportunity to enrich their lives by being on shows like Roadies and Splitsvilla-two shows that “represent Indian Youth” like nothing else.

Then there’s Sony-the channel(that gave us the legendary ACP Pradyuman and Oh god yaahan pe toh laash hai, Daya darwaaza tod do!) where Anu Malik and Archana Puran Singh wouldn’t shut the fuck up,  Anu with his tough-Simon Cowell impersonation and stupid A-A, B-B rhyming scheme one-liners and Archana on obnoxious comedy shows with fake laughter tracks.

Not to mention Star Plus-the flag bearer of Indian saas-bahus since the very first Ekta Kapoor show where an Indian woman got married for the first time to a rich businessman she would re-marry 10 years and 75 divorces later.

There’s this Hospital drama on Star One more dramatic than the equally shitty Grey’s Anatomy it tries to copy, just like MTV shows such as Splitsvilla are like dumb-fucked versions of Desperate Housewives(Desperate House-whores?).

Also, we’ve got Star NEWS that boasts of the Sansani guy who looks like a Christian-Bale-in-American-Psycho kind of serial rapist and will never stop pointing at the camera and yelling-Chain se sona hai toh jaag jaiye!

There’re ETC and ETC Punjabi, two channels that kind of make me think that every NRI Punjabi munda on this planet is a Snoop Dogg–inspired thug(to all the Punjabi rappers-Guys, just because Bohemia sold 5 million records with 3 albums rapping about 1)doing weed and  chicks and 2)doing weed and chicks and 3)doing weed and chicks does not mean one bit that your balls should start itching at the slightest thought of a video consisting of rented Lamborghinis and fake-tit models, have more substance than boobs in your music please?).

We’ve got Ganguly-our once national hero now been reduced to hosting some lame ass game show on Bengali TV or something. Then there’re men on Discovery and Animal Planet who pick up snakes like Emraan Hashmi picks up chicks in Mahesh Bhatt-produced movies-one on each hand, one on the head and the remaining where-the-fuck-ever.For Wrestling fans there’s TNA Ke Sikandar-where commentators can be seen reading incessantly from the script.

The biggest piece of prime time mind-numbing up on TV right now though, has to be BIGG BOSS.Just because Shilpa Shetty took 5 crores to cry all sensitive and sissy on this show’s BIGG BROTHER does not mean you take 15-odd losers of epic proportions and lock them up in a house does it?

Also, you either show soft porn or spirituality. No middle ground please. Imagine sitting in your living room someday, totally bored, all by yourself, flipping frantically through various channels, overtaken by lust-searching for bikini babes on FTV or something, only to end up unexpectedly on a close up of a butt naked Munishri Tarun Saagar ji and his pubic hair on Aastha Channel while he is sitting wearing nothing but spectacles, ranting away some pseudo-spiritual bullshit about cleansing(he would do a better job if he cleansed his body hair first) their souls to fat Aunties in a voice that would make the shrill supersonic cacophony of Scandinavian bats sound like that Titanic single by Celine Dione, this also reminds me that if my mom wakes me up at 7 to watch the thumping-hairy chest of Baba Ramdev, outstretched on the floor wearing orange coloured boxers and then lifting his legs high in the air only to end up pointing his ass at the camera ever again, an overdose of the most erotic Carmen Electra Playboy stripteases wouldn’t be enough to help me recuperate from the visual and sexual trauma that is likely to haunt me for the rest of my life.

Personally I cannot wait for Rakhi Sawant’s Rakhi Ka Insaaf. Already saw the promos of a cleavage revealing-cat eyed Rakhi yelling- tu to saala na-mard hai at some stunned guy sitting next to the wife he probably cheated on.Enough said,it is going to be epic. Start counting the TRPs(Totally Ridiculous Peeps) this show is going to generate already. The success of this show to be followed by Rakhi Ka IPL(Indian Pappi League).
P.S.~  Up yours Rajat Sharma and Kiran Bedi, this country does not need your justice anymore.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

The thing with Same sex marriages

Now this particular piece I wrote primarily because of two reasons-firstly I had absolutely nothing to do(not that I do anything significant with my life otherwise)and my roommate won’t let me practice guitar because it is was 3 in the morning. Second of all, thanks to all the horseshit up on almost all of our TV channels these days I had nothing better to watch than this debate about same-sex marriages on BBC(mind numbing as it sounds, still beats watching re re re-runs of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. anytime).

Now this little half hour presentation obviously included a guy from some Gay Rights Organization (sporting a shiny yellow shirt embroidered with flower designs, yes he had joined the right organization)and a Roman Catholic Priest(who at the slightest mention of man-weds-man kept reacting like Dan Brown just wrote a new book revealing his ass to be the new location of the Holy Grail), a reaction probably similar to the other times he must have choked on some other show debating Evolution and Abortion and some Man-Boy-Love-Association(in favour this time, of course)crap .This also reminded me of all the previous times that I had come across such debates because the argument always sounds similar and lame. It usually contains Homosexuals and some religion fucking with them. In most cases-Christianity.

Now i’m fully aware that of all the major religions of the world none wants you to put it in the wrong hole of the wrong person. Yet it is absolutely infuriating how hardcore Christians always end up taking a hair up their ass whenever such kind of issues always turn up. One thing is for sure, most of the opposing people are definitely homophobic morons (everything logical-phobic actually). Secondly, the definition of hypocrisy should be re-entered into the Oxford Dictionary as Roman Catholic Church. Some of the crap it has come up with to justify opposing Homosexuality makes me want to puke the pack of Cream n Onion Lays I just had.

Firstly, how the hell does someone being gay affect someone else’s Freedom Of Religion?

Also, apparently Homosexuality is against God's will.

Well yeah, whatever happened to the Every human is God's gift to the world preaching my convent school nuns tried to nail into my head all my school life.

Apparently, Homosexuality acts are intrinsically disordered.They are contrary to the natural law.

Yes, and the fact that there was a man that you guys worship, who walked on water after being re-incarnated from the dead , given birth by a woman who conceived without fucking, and had his soul flown to heaven before he could die of being crucified obeys all sorts of natural phenomena and rules, doesn’t it ? Reminds me of my convent school life again, everyday began with Jesus showering his blessings all over me(somehow it never prevented me from getting my ass beaten at least twice a week for about 3 years by a Math teacher who I think, was a female version of Sylvester Stallone, spoke in worse manner than he does, and was probably more suitable for torturing her way to get information out of all the Al-Qaeda prisoners getting anal-fucked in Guantanamo Bay right now than messing up Trigonometry in front of 50 kids time and again).

But here is the real Catholic Church gem-Sex is meant for both procreation and plaesure, and one without the other is sinful, therefore making homosexual acts sinful.

Alright, first of all, how the fuck do you determine how sinful something is? Is there some laboratory test or something? Wait that can’t be true, you guys even hate Science for always being sinful as well, right? Also,the last time I checked little boys didn’t really procreate much stuff so I guess the kid-fucking must be for pleasure purposes eh(the saints are cum-ing)? And beware all you readers that are into oral or anal or any other non- God approved stuff guys grow up watching, you are so burning in hell along with Galileo and the guy who produced the sperm that eventually led to Karan Johar.

Finally, aren’t all kinds of marriages made in heaven, where Jesus resides, he won’t discriminate will he? On another note, do you guys really feel if Jesus was around right now he would give a supper if he magically came across Ricky Martin blowing Tom Cruise in the Swiss Alps?

As far as Hinduism is concerned, we mostly believe in Same Surname Marriages. Unless the other caste girl is rich, of course. Buddhists are probably too chilled out and peaceful to give a fuck.

Well i’m not touching on any other religions for the fear of getting my balls blown off.

Some governments do a good enough job calming down the situation fooling both sides by referring to gay marriages with wordplay such as ‘Civil Union’ or ‘Domestic Partnership’. Yes, getting down on your knees with a ring in hand and saying, “Dear, will you civil union me please? ” indeed sounds very romantic.

For obvious reasons, Homosexuality has its advantages, the most significant one being a slight control in the population explosion, in turn leading to less deforestation due to less construction demand, in turn leading to preservation of the eco system .Thus, delayingthe melting of Himalayan glaciers making sure that Bombay does not sink by 2020, which still would be a bad idea if they continue making brain-dead movies like Kites and Anjaana Anjaani. Another benefit is that the absence of irritating, wailing infants would surely prevent people from getting pissed off, angry and stressed up leading to a reduction in heart-related diseases in places like trains, parks and theatres(which reminds me, people, please don’t take your babies to the movies, I know you don’t have to buy a ticket for them and that’s all you care about but does it ever occur to you that babies don’t give a fuck about Inception’s complexity or Kareena’s size-zero ass?)

Most importantly, in the words of my favourite comedian Doug Stanhope-"The next time you find parking space in a mall, send a homo a drink and say, “thanks buddy”cause that is the guy who did not produce 9 ugly fucking kids and i’m parking there now."

As far as my opinion is concerned, I don’t give a stinking Butter Chicken-induced crap if my neighbour marries a Labrador as long as it promises not to shit in front of my house every morning or disturb me with loud barks every night while i’m trying to catch some sleep (which somehow refuses to embrace me for over an hour after I lie downdown searching for it every time).

So personally, live,die-whatever the fuck your existence tells you and let marry/divorce.

P.S.~ If you’re a homo reading this, I totally respect you and your rights, but you try anything funny with me, ever ,and I will chop you off with a Hacksaw and eat your liver with pepperoni sauce.

If you’re a hot lesbian though-email me, i’m sure we can work something out.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Dear MTV, fuck you

I first came across you as a kid addicted to Linkin Park and Bon Jovi videos.You were called Music Television, a name you more than lived up to.The music, the VJs, Bakra, everything was cool, it was all good..But somewhere down the line you turned gay and decided that you wanted to suck more balls than a whore on a Saturday night.The freshness of your shows disappeared faster than heterosexual behaviour in a Karan Johar movie, the music turned shittier than a Municipality sewage tank and even a Ramgopal Verma movie is more entertaining than the new bunch of wannabe retards that you call VJs.

Dear Nikhil Chinappa- Dude, you were my hero 10 years ago.But for all your coolness on MTV Select, anger and tough guy brashness alongside that bald dickhead on Roadies, what the fuck are you doing hosting Talent shows for saas-bahu audience and making stupid bimbos strut their cleavage on Splitsvilla? Also, the ultra-bright Submerge Says : Dance T-shirt you keep flaunting on every second show you judge is louder than Metallica’s last album, that your Paagal-panti Quotient, eh?

Dear Jose- First of all, your name, goatee, haircut and look more than convince me that you are the lovechild of some illegal Mexican drug dealer and a Bihari Bar dancer. Second of all, what the fuck is up with you running around asking stupid questions to people only your channel considers to be celebs? Not surprised that you even have a whore in your name.I also realize that Ayushmann is giving you tips on how to over-over act and sound gayer than SRK but you don’t really have to follow that, just like no one follows the shows you host.

Dear Anusha-Yes, you are damn hot. But what the hell are you doing advising an 11 year old boy on how to wear fashionable clothes to impress girls, that too in that shitty upper lip accent of yours, the one that occasionally sounds worse than that fake North American horseshit Aishwarya gives a shot at every time she’s on Oprah or Letterman promoting her equally shitty Hollywood endeavors(by the way, what the fuck is she doing copying Will Smith’s Robot classic with the real Chennai Super King, does she not realize that only he has been granted with Physics and Logic defying talent by the almighty ?). But seriously Anusha, chick advice to a 10 year old? When I was that age I used to think boobs were nothing but a consequence of every female elder to me strangely getting bitten by a mosquito at the same two spots every time.

Dear Cyrus Broacha- Dude seriously, Y.O.U. A.R.E. N.O.T. F.U.C.K.I.N.G. F.U.N.N.Y. Sticking a finger up your nose for comedy on live TV stopped being funny by the time David Schwimmer got married for the 3rd time on F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I bet our Cricket team’s dismal performance in the last world cup was a sign of protest in response to you hosting the event for the whole cunt-ry.

Dear Bani- Just one thing.Its good to shut the fuck up once in a while, you know.Oh, and I love your Tattoo.

Coming back to you MTV, and coming back to your biggest contribution to Indian TV –Reality Shows. Now if I were to get started on Roadies(I am very scared of your sideburns Raghu bhaiya, please don’t ask me the definition of adventure or what it takes to be a Roadie if you’re reading this, I used to shit my pants every time you yelled at some dude anyway, and FYI-the stray dog that takes a piss on my front gate every morning can judge people better than you do) or Splitsvilla(bimbos mud-wrestling in bikinis in search for love?)i’m sure this site’s servers wouldn’t be big enough to store the sheer length of hatred I can come up with.Thanks to you and these two shows MTV, every Tom, Dick and Clitoris walking around is using the F-word at a fuck per sentence average rate that would make the Commonwealth Committee’s we're making progress rant to castrate itself in shame.

And yes, I do believe that these shows aren’t scripted. Just like WWE and the Bible. Also MTV, will you please try something apart from fake MMS rumors the next time you’re promoting these two shows, think of all the bandwidth that got wasted the past year due to lonely folks Googling Hot Sakshi and Tamanna mms scandal enthusiastically with their left hands.

Your biggest pick-up line has always been that you represent the Youth, but seriously, Ranbir Kapoor? Pepsi commercials? Youngistaan? How about an Oldistaan ad for my grandpa, he has made more difference to my neighborhood than Bani’s questions to Robin Uthappa during IPL Parties. You want to know the fucking reality of our Youth MTV? Most of our teenagers are fucked up mentally and physically cause of parental and peer pressure, Applied Maths, Drugs, bullies, drunken sex on the backseat of some SUV, poor grades and Pamela Anderson’s Playboy pictures. Don’t make them so brain dead that even the new reservations proposed by Lalu Prasad or some newly opened Work in Kanadda immigration agency in Punjab fail to promise them a future.

Also, please enlighten me why your Tickr is always making unoriginal jokes about people like Himesh who you otherwise keep on promoting 24x7 every time he comes up with a new movie opposite some under-aged girl.And what the fuck is up with this new Male Fantasy shit? 3 guys in a pool searching for lingerie while being surrounded by 25 bikini babes ? What are you going to sell next? I bet Rakhi Sawant Ka Insaaf is going to make for a more logical viewing.

Your equally kEwL brother Channel V is no less, Dare 2 Date, Lovenet , Roomies(MMS, did we say?).And what the fuck is this creature that runs around gali-mohallas calling himself Andy(by the way, guys gyrating to Techno music in their V shaped underwears being judged by Andy, please rename Get Gorgeous to Get Holy Fucking Gay).

I know MTV, I know that you are the coolest thing that ever happened to this planet, you even have that obnoxious cunt from Splitsvilla interview Meghna Naidu and Sherlyn Chopra outside Malls.That is very informative indeed.But why is it that everything you inflict upon us eventually gets reduced to girls walking/dancing/swimming in a bikini or flirting with every guy that walks their way or carrying out an open maa-behen encounter with each other in crowded areas?

No, I won’t accept it as Reality or Youth Representation, I refuse to.

Unless of course, you put me next to those Thai hotties on that Male Fantasy Thing.In that case I assure you, we're cool.


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