Monday, August 23, 2010

How to piss off Indian girls-Part 1

                                                The Paris Hiltons

Not too uncommon in big cities, these are the extremely-important-for-India’s-economic-and-cultural-development-pomp-and-show-personally-crafted-by-the-almighty-and-his-gift-to-mankind species that can be seen living the hard and unfair life of making harsh decisions like choosing between spending time at spas, beauty parlors or roaming around in malls at night wearing a tank top above over sized breasts(that I bet when they’re taking bath hang in respect to gravity longer than the newly matching curtains they ordered at The Curtain Shop).These tops proudly yell out “ARMANI “ or “BEBE” bright enough in gold or yellow for you to experience temporary brightness if you are within sniffing distance of the new cologne series launched by Jennifer Aniston they poured on their armpits and hands that seriously contain more hair on them than I do at the place my beard should be, and I turned 21 last month. Sigh.

They usually look like cheap Indian version of all those hot Italian models guys grow up watching on Fashion TV while our parents think we’re too pre-occupied howling ma-behen bombs at our cricket team getting ass-fucked by 20 year old Australian batsmen. Also, these girls love wearing glasses at night, that too the ones that are big enough to cover most of their face, including at least 60 percent of their surgically corrected nose(which makes me wonder what was the point of the surgery anyway) and the wide hipped ass is almost always ready to burst out of the shaded French Connection jeans at the slightest provocation at a perpendicular thrust capacity and pressure rate large enough in magnitude for the physicists at ISRO to research the reason behind the GSLV launch failure.

These girls can be seen driving around(sometimes over the utterly unimportant and uninteresting middle class pedestrians returning home from work to their uneventful life and unsexy wife or the totally unwanted Biharis) while their best friend is making out with a guy that wears skin tight narrow jeans covered with a white chain and a Harley Davidson belt on the backseat of daddy’s newly gifted SUV listening to an Akon song that if they had an IQ above that of a baby chipmunk and could understand proper English they would have realized totally insults, disrespects and offends their whole gender.

They try in vain to obnoxiously try speaking in what they think is English coming out of their mouth(“dA cOlOuR pattren f mA nue room is raed n kEwL”, you get the point) on their new cell phones that look so gay( which reminds me that I once dated a girl that owns a dark pink Apple iPod, kill me)that the phones wouldn’t flash twice before they start licking Karan Johar’s Koffee flavored tongue while he is on a conference call with Shahrukh Khan and Kajol discussing new ways of mindfucking us with another 3hour long melodrama in which SRK ends up humping the whole female star cast of the movie and the other chap is unable to get action throughout the movie even from his wife while his dad is Bondage fucking 6 foot blondes cause the overly sensitive Rani Mukherjee is too busy thinking about doing dishes.

Also, in many cases you are likely to find a pack of expensive cigarettes placed carefully next to the passenger seat in a way that every mortal passing by within a meter radius of the car can read the brand name properly, the cigarettes they would most probably never light unless around some guys that themselves drive an Audi and love showing off their most important ishtyle statement i.e. wearing the Louis Vuitton glasses at nightclubs and when it is raining, anytime you don’t require them at all and tight Edhardy Tshirts on their steroid pumped chests flaunting pointy nipples, the sight of which makes me want to hang myself with horse semen. The cigarette is usually just present cause of the kEwLness quotient involved with it.

Now, if  you've had enough of this Public Display of  Retardism and are as repelled by this bullshit as much as I am then all you got to do to piss these beauties off is to let them know that you know a girl that looks good without 2 layers of mascara and got gifted a car,cellphone and iPod that is more expensive than all the stuff they own, that would make the layers of make up to start coming off the face already. So ultimately getting on their dysfunctional nerve would boil down to insulting their most basic necessities of life above mentioned. Just make sure the insult is nowhere close to being logical cause that would fly high and far above their H2O shampooed heads and all your efforts would be rendered futile, only to end up in a “whatever” or “Oh really?” or my personal favorite, “O puhleez, shut up now.”

P.S.~ In the unlikely case that you want her to kill you and then commit suicide just let her know calmly while she is talking to you about the new Katrina Kaif haircut she got 2 days ago at Habib that you didn’t pay attention to what she said cause you were too distracted by her moustache hair and that god awful push-up bra.Best of luck.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Dear Twilight, fuck you

Dear Twilight

Why did you have to inflict upon us mortals a misery so gay and painful? Why?

The following piece of writing, my first ever blog is the result of my complete boredom and pissed off state of mind. I’m sure I have become too damn bored of being too bored for the past one month or so. Anyway, here's why I think Twilight is the worst piece of corporate bullshit since Backstreet Boys and the people behind it should be shot in the ass and then hanged thrice:

First of all, let us begin with the lead actor/vampire/super-hero/biggest fag ever. He’s a vampire who belongs to a family of “vegetarians” that only hunts animals(which I discovered after watching this movie makes me a veggie too since I haven’t really eaten any humans yet, never mind all the Butter Chickens and over-priced KFC buckets).In the movie he gets introduced in the gayest manner ever(right up there with Ranbir Kapoor’s towel dancing sequence in Saawariya)and sparkles every time he is exposed to sunlight which kind of makes me jealous since the last time I was out on some beach in some hot city exposed to the sun I had blisters all over my ass.He’s so white that the loser in those Fair and Handsome ads should screw SRK(open to all interpretations)and follow our perfectly bleached vampire boy with no protruding canines or mean dialogues or scary charisma(are you a fucking Vampire or Snowhite,dude?) .In fact every time he opens that lip gloss coated mouth to utter a word his Alice In Wonderland-like face looks like that last pizza he ate 108 years ago still hasn't found its way out of his butt.

Second of all, let us begin with Bella, the dumbest and most uninteresting female ever portrayed on celluloid, she’s so dim-witted and boring that she makes Kajol’s character in all the Karan Johar movies we’ve had to sit through for god knows what reason look like Jim Carrey from The Mask. Apparently, she cannot seem to deliver a single dialogue without either flinching(which reminds me of my exact reaction at the time my Chemistry teacher asked me the formula of Potash Alum back in 9th Standard) or a motion of moving her head sideways in a quick to and fro motion( which reminded me of the Simple Harmonic Motion lecture that followed the Chemistry mindfucking).She drives around in a car that makes my 96 model Maruti 800 look like an Aston Martin auctioned right off of a Bond flick. She does have a bimbo friend who wears hairbands straight out of the wardrobes of the girls I went to primary school with 10 years ago.Bella almost always has chance of dying(from reasons like being run over or getting eaten up by her “non vegetarian”-soon-to-be-in-the-third-movie-devarji).

She does have one very interesting quality about herself though, something that should keep all the guys interested.What?Really?!What the fuck have I been smoking? Okay, before I get castrated for saying this, let me open the Pandora’s(or Bella’s) box.She is downright horny.She is so horny she would even do that fat guy from Borat.But heck!Our gentleman sonny boy won’t even give her action. WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?! You’re refraining from sex?She wants to get it on and you’re talking marriage? What are you an Ekta-Kapoor-invented bahu? Just do her already before she decides to turn into a Swami Nityanand follower. You know how much awesome stuff you can do if you’re awake 24/7/365 than saving a bimbo’s ass and watch her sleep? And why the hell did you let the bitch go after she kissed Jacob a.k.a. Hollywood ka Salman Khan a.k.a. saaxy Werewolf. Clearly O.J. Simpson didn’t have any influence on you. How could you use up 3 fucking books to finally hump her? Or at least you could have done one of the gazillion teenage girls crazy over you and Justin Bieber.

Bella, do you know how high the number of rapes committed by sexually frustrated weirdos is? Yet you won’t give it up to a human? What the fuck is so special about a Vampire or/and Werewolf dick anyway? And you kept just staring out of the window doing nothing after he broke up with you, is that how America is fighting recession?

And since when did Americans start loving melodrama that is more than enough to put Rani Mukherjee to shame? And if Vampires can play Baseball then how about convincing the pyaasi chudails and kunwari dayans from apni very own C-grade Bollywood Horror flicks to take part in the upcoming CWG?

Finally, all the fan-girls, what next if this shiny guy is the perfect “soulmate” for you? Would you expect us normal straight guys to walk around looking, talking and sounding like Justin Bieber and Bobby Darling now? And will you stop looking up to Bella as a role model please?

Try Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian the next time. That would make things interesting and fun for everyone, I think.


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