Thursday, October 21, 2010

Tit for t(h)at, anyone?

Alright now, like most of the 6 blogs before, this one too was a result of the Fucking-bored-out-of-my-hairy-ass syndrome that i’m suffering with ever since I took up engineering. Same reasons-not being allowed to practice guitar at night, no loud music, no ma-behen yelling and stuff, you know.

So I turned to Chat Roulette.

For those of you unaware, it is a “social networking” site that randomly picks up strangers from any part of the world and lets them have an online conversation.A very noble and interesting idea indeed.You open the web page, your web cam gets automatically detected, same case with the other person, and then you two end up video chatting. Until it all goes to hell (leaving you contemplating if indeed your parents would have been better off watching Doordarshan the night they decided to manufacture your worthless little existence).Anyway, I will get to that later.

Before I go any further, let me enlighten you a little about the porn-viewing part of my life until now. It began when I was 14, courtesy-the explicit and (usually) half-open (cause of the BSNL dial-up connection which was slower than Rahul Dravid’s scoring rate) pictures of Aishwarya Rai’s face super-imposed on some Mexican chick’s body. This kind of stuff, mind you, also helped in expanding my vocabulary by making me aware that words like pussy didn’t always mean a cat and cock isn’t just a poultry animal. Also, back then I didn’t know these pictures were as fake as MTV reality shows and Bipasha Basu’s twin jugs. Gradually, by Nokia’s grace, we got blessed with cellphones comprising of the Blue film Bluetooth technology. No prizes for guessing; enter DPS MMS scandal and Quickly, I(along with 25 million other urban teenagers)had graduated from porno comics sold on bus stands to Broadband, Japanese Hentai stuff(clearly having come far from the days I was addicted to Japanese Dragon Ball Z ) and the recent HD Porn(23$ a month membership? Woop! Get yourself a North-Eastern whore instead!) till I finally had enough of it because I began finding porn too mechanical and monotonous.

So, coming back to the main part(which will also make clear the motive behind the above-written paragraph)having explored so much of internet smut, I never thought there was anything hideous or deviant enough a human body could still do over the Internet to embarrass me anymore. Anyway so there I was beginning to get bored of chatting with some random American guy who wanted to know if anyone in my family was a snake-charmer and if all Indians take a shit the way shown in Slumdog Millionaire so I “next-ed” him without as much as a goodbye. Another guy appeared on the screen and asked me to take off my t shirt and I(hardly in the mood to exhibit my non-existent 0-pack abs on the Internet and)still unclear if I felt more complimented than offended by what the guy said)calmly moved on. This was the warning sign I ignored.

And then Armageddon happened.

The next motion picture on half of my screen was a zoomed-in view of an African guy’s you-know-what, pointing proudly in the air with its head(pun intended) held high, like the Qutub Minar during twilight, and he never told me he was African, I didn’t have to ask either. The colour and size sealed the deal, that didn’t need any ISO or ISI or FBI certification. I began wondering, what were the odds that of all the Playboy centrefolds and Penthouse pets on the Internet I had to land up (metaphorically, of course) on a horny black dude playing with his 11 inch long cruiser missile?

Which brings me to the conclusion that Chat roulette is man’s answer to all the female eroticism on the Internet(now I know why Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie are addicted to this site, total suckers for dicks did we say?). But Ashton Kutcher? Dude you have Demi Moore’s sweet ass uploading raunchy pictures of herself on Twitter right by your side every day and you respond to that by watching guys jack off on the Internet? How ungrateful!  

So I quickly ended up the visual distress since I was in no mood to experience the bursting of Niagra Falls(which i’m sure was about to happen soon). Still a little out of senses, I decided to browse a little more to see what else the site could throw at me. Came across guys holding please show me your boobs cards, fake web cam links, potential paedophiles, over cautious guys wearing monkey-caps (one actually looked like a moving dildo with eyes and ears), dick enlargement ads, people smoking weed yada yada...But everything seemed to pale in comparison to the Agni 3 missile show I had witnessed.

So all I can say is that Chatroulette is nothing but a relentless attack by dicks on your common and visual senses, just like Facebook(you know what I mean) and i’m keeping distance from it forever (highly recommended though, if you’re that guy who dreams of humping everything that walks and are used to cumm-ing every time  you log on to the internet).As far as i’m concern, i’m done with it.

P.S.~ The 3 hot blonde girls that consecutively disconnected me(one was kind of generous, she did take time off to call me a fucking Paki) before I could as much as land in a quick “hi” didn’t make me feel much like reconsidering the decision either.

Saturday, October 9, 2010

India's Retard Box

Nopes, TV is just not Idiot Box anymore, specially Indian TV, it just does not deserved to be called that now, it has been dumbed down and dim-witted far too much to still be referred to by a word as un-glorified and plain as idiot.I don’t even know where to begin giving reasons; first of all, we’ve got Aajtak, Star News, IBN 7 and India TV –collectively predicting the world’s end every fortnight, giving us the exact location of the place Lord Shiva resides, enlightening us with important Saas-Bahu aur Saajish news and whether Aliens do drink cow milk indeed.No shitting.

You’ve got Zee TV, a channel that helps lift the confidence of the entire nation creating successful people every 2 months-courtesy the gazillion talent shows which means that soon we will have more winners running around than losers like me who have never had the opportunity to enrich their lives by being on shows like Roadies and Splitsvilla-two shows that “represent Indian Youth” like nothing else.

Then there’s Sony-the channel(that gave us the legendary ACP Pradyuman and Oh god yaahan pe toh laash hai, Daya darwaaza tod do!) where Anu Malik and Archana Puran Singh wouldn’t shut the fuck up,  Anu with his tough-Simon Cowell impersonation and stupid A-A, B-B rhyming scheme one-liners and Archana on obnoxious comedy shows with fake laughter tracks.

Not to mention Star Plus-the flag bearer of Indian saas-bahus since the very first Ekta Kapoor show where an Indian woman got married for the first time to a rich businessman she would re-marry 10 years and 75 divorces later.

There’s this Hospital drama on Star One more dramatic than the equally shitty Grey’s Anatomy it tries to copy, just like MTV shows such as Splitsvilla are like dumb-fucked versions of Desperate Housewives(Desperate House-whores?).

Also, we’ve got Star NEWS that boasts of the Sansani guy who looks like a Christian-Bale-in-American-Psycho kind of serial rapist and will never stop pointing at the camera and yelling-Chain se sona hai toh jaag jaiye!

There’re ETC and ETC Punjabi, two channels that kind of make me think that every NRI Punjabi munda on this planet is a Snoop Dogg–inspired thug(to all the Punjabi rappers-Guys, just because Bohemia sold 5 million records with 3 albums rapping about 1)doing weed and  chicks and 2)doing weed and chicks and 3)doing weed and chicks does not mean one bit that your balls should start itching at the slightest thought of a video consisting of rented Lamborghinis and fake-tit models, have more substance than boobs in your music please?).

We’ve got Ganguly-our once national hero now been reduced to hosting some lame ass game show on Bengali TV or something. Then there’re men on Discovery and Animal Planet who pick up snakes like Emraan Hashmi picks up chicks in Mahesh Bhatt-produced movies-one on each hand, one on the head and the remaining where-the-fuck-ever.For Wrestling fans there’s TNA Ke Sikandar-where commentators can be seen reading incessantly from the script.

The biggest piece of prime time mind-numbing up on TV right now though, has to be BIGG BOSS.Just because Shilpa Shetty took 5 crores to cry all sensitive and sissy on this show’s BIGG BROTHER does not mean you take 15-odd losers of epic proportions and lock them up in a house does it?

Also, you either show soft porn or spirituality. No middle ground please. Imagine sitting in your living room someday, totally bored, all by yourself, flipping frantically through various channels, overtaken by lust-searching for bikini babes on FTV or something, only to end up unexpectedly on a close up of a butt naked Munishri Tarun Saagar ji and his pubic hair on Aastha Channel while he is sitting wearing nothing but spectacles, ranting away some pseudo-spiritual bullshit about cleansing(he would do a better job if he cleansed his body hair first) their souls to fat Aunties in a voice that would make the shrill supersonic cacophony of Scandinavian bats sound like that Titanic single by Celine Dione, this also reminds me that if my mom wakes me up at 7 to watch the thumping-hairy chest of Baba Ramdev, outstretched on the floor wearing orange coloured boxers and then lifting his legs high in the air only to end up pointing his ass at the camera ever again, an overdose of the most erotic Carmen Electra Playboy stripteases wouldn’t be enough to help me recuperate from the visual and sexual trauma that is likely to haunt me for the rest of my life.

Personally I cannot wait for Rakhi Sawant’s Rakhi Ka Insaaf. Already saw the promos of a cleavage revealing-cat eyed Rakhi yelling- tu to saala na-mard hai at some stunned guy sitting next to the wife he probably cheated on.Enough said,it is going to be epic. Start counting the TRPs(Totally Ridiculous Peeps) this show is going to generate already. The success of this show to be followed by Rakhi Ka IPL(Indian Pappi League).
P.S.~  Up yours Rajat Sharma and Kiran Bedi, this country does not need your justice anymore.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

The thing with Same sex marriages

Now this particular piece I wrote primarily because of two reasons-firstly I had absolutely nothing to do(not that I do anything significant with my life otherwise)and my roommate won’t let me practice guitar because it is was 3 in the morning. Second of all, thanks to all the horseshit up on almost all of our TV channels these days I had nothing better to watch than this debate about same-sex marriages on BBC(mind numbing as it sounds, still beats watching re re re-runs of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. anytime).

Now this little half hour presentation obviously included a guy from some Gay Rights Organization (sporting a shiny yellow shirt embroidered with flower designs, yes he had joined the right organization)and a Roman Catholic Priest(who at the slightest mention of man-weds-man kept reacting like Dan Brown just wrote a new book revealing his ass to be the new location of the Holy Grail), a reaction probably similar to the other times he must have choked on some other show debating Evolution and Abortion and some Man-Boy-Love-Association(in favour this time, of course)crap .This also reminded me of all the previous times that I had come across such debates because the argument always sounds similar and lame. It usually contains Homosexuals and some religion fucking with them. In most cases-Christianity.

Now i’m fully aware that of all the major religions of the world none wants you to put it in the wrong hole of the wrong person. Yet it is absolutely infuriating how hardcore Christians always end up taking a hair up their ass whenever such kind of issues always turn up. One thing is for sure, most of the opposing people are definitely homophobic morons (everything logical-phobic actually). Secondly, the definition of hypocrisy should be re-entered into the Oxford Dictionary as Roman Catholic Church. Some of the crap it has come up with to justify opposing Homosexuality makes me want to puke the pack of Cream n Onion Lays I just had.

Firstly, how the hell does someone being gay affect someone else’s Freedom Of Religion?

Also, apparently Homosexuality is against God's will.

Well yeah, whatever happened to the Every human is God's gift to the world preaching my convent school nuns tried to nail into my head all my school life.

Apparently, Homosexuality acts are intrinsically disordered.They are contrary to the natural law.

Yes, and the fact that there was a man that you guys worship, who walked on water after being re-incarnated from the dead , given birth by a woman who conceived without fucking, and had his soul flown to heaven before he could die of being crucified obeys all sorts of natural phenomena and rules, doesn’t it ? Reminds me of my convent school life again, everyday began with Jesus showering his blessings all over me(somehow it never prevented me from getting my ass beaten at least twice a week for about 3 years by a Math teacher who I think, was a female version of Sylvester Stallone, spoke in worse manner than he does, and was probably more suitable for torturing her way to get information out of all the Al-Qaeda prisoners getting anal-fucked in Guantanamo Bay right now than messing up Trigonometry in front of 50 kids time and again).

But here is the real Catholic Church gem-Sex is meant for both procreation and plaesure, and one without the other is sinful, therefore making homosexual acts sinful.

Alright, first of all, how the fuck do you determine how sinful something is? Is there some laboratory test or something? Wait that can’t be true, you guys even hate Science for always being sinful as well, right? Also,the last time I checked little boys didn’t really procreate much stuff so I guess the kid-fucking must be for pleasure purposes eh(the saints are cum-ing)? And beware all you readers that are into oral or anal or any other non- God approved stuff guys grow up watching, you are so burning in hell along with Galileo and the guy who produced the sperm that eventually led to Karan Johar.

Finally, aren’t all kinds of marriages made in heaven, where Jesus resides, he won’t discriminate will he? On another note, do you guys really feel if Jesus was around right now he would give a supper if he magically came across Ricky Martin blowing Tom Cruise in the Swiss Alps?

As far as Hinduism is concerned, we mostly believe in Same Surname Marriages. Unless the other caste girl is rich, of course. Buddhists are probably too chilled out and peaceful to give a fuck.

Well i’m not touching on any other religions for the fear of getting my balls blown off.

Some governments do a good enough job calming down the situation fooling both sides by referring to gay marriages with wordplay such as ‘Civil Union’ or ‘Domestic Partnership’. Yes, getting down on your knees with a ring in hand and saying, “Dear, will you civil union me please? ” indeed sounds very romantic.

For obvious reasons, Homosexuality has its advantages, the most significant one being a slight control in the population explosion, in turn leading to less deforestation due to less construction demand, in turn leading to preservation of the eco system .Thus, delayingthe melting of Himalayan glaciers making sure that Bombay does not sink by 2020, which still would be a bad idea if they continue making brain-dead movies like Kites and Anjaana Anjaani. Another benefit is that the absence of irritating, wailing infants would surely prevent people from getting pissed off, angry and stressed up leading to a reduction in heart-related diseases in places like trains, parks and theatres(which reminds me, people, please don’t take your babies to the movies, I know you don’t have to buy a ticket for them and that’s all you care about but does it ever occur to you that babies don’t give a fuck about Inception’s complexity or Kareena’s size-zero ass?)

Most importantly, in the words of my favourite comedian Doug Stanhope-"The next time you find parking space in a mall, send a homo a drink and say, “thanks buddy”cause that is the guy who did not produce 9 ugly fucking kids and i’m parking there now."

As far as my opinion is concerned, I don’t give a stinking Butter Chicken-induced crap if my neighbour marries a Labrador as long as it promises not to shit in front of my house every morning or disturb me with loud barks every night while i’m trying to catch some sleep (which somehow refuses to embrace me for over an hour after I lie downdown searching for it every time).

So personally, live,die-whatever the fuck your existence tells you and let marry/divorce.

P.S.~ If you’re a homo reading this, I totally respect you and your rights, but you try anything funny with me, ever ,and I will chop you off with a Hacksaw and eat your liver with pepperoni sauce.

If you’re a hot lesbian though-email me, i’m sure we can work something out.


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