Thursday, November 18, 2010

I hereby censor you, bitches!(Part 1)

Okay, I’m pissed again. Just 2 hours after I had relished the best dinner ever last night-courtesy mindblowing dal makhani with the softest Tandoori rotis ever while gawking at Pamela Anderson’s 43 year old Silicon-ized yet still totally ultra hot side boob I found out that the show was getting censored and I didn’t have enough money to pay for the delicious cuisine.

Now, while the monetary matter is no big deal anymore for me since I’ve found myself experiencing the state of broke-dom on more occasions than you have typed lolzzzzz or some Rajnikant joke on Facebook, anything or anyone that attempts to separate me from my Pammie will face the wrath of my raging inferno similar to that of the bad-ass action movie character of Viviek Oberoi(or is it Viveik? Fuck Numerology dude, you know you suck and changing the way you spell your name will not make your movies not suck or suck any less than they already suck so go suck on the same American hooker’s titties whose accent you try to copy every time you get interviewed by the folks at ETC Punjabi) .

I’ve been a fan of Pam since the time I used to get my ass kicked (figuratively) during parent-teacher meetings back in junior high school. Watching late night Baywatch telecasts only to be knocked down night after night(literally) during teenage, thanks to her 100 plus Playboy pictures(thank you CERN, or whoever the fuck Dan Brown says created Internet) and she still remains the hottest blonde ever to walk this planet and not even Charlize Theron or Carmen Electra or Maria Sharapova or Torrie Wilson from WWE come close(think of Paris Hilton or Britney Spears in this list and I shoot you in the neck) and I will never let the Information and Broadcasting Ministry or any bunch of balding old fucks incapable of getting laid anymore deprive me of that.

Now, I have hated these reality shows ever since MTV let Roadies and Splitsvilla out of its horseshit-box kept preserved for our particular dickhead-for-a-real-head generation and I have bashed every such show more than enough in my previous 8 blogs to start ranting again. So, needless to say, Bigg Boss has always been just another ridiculously-scripted-and-mass-fed-to-entertainment-hungry-douchebags piece of shit for me and when I heard the news of Pamela’s arrival the decision to watch the show was like swallowing my own puke hoping that the sweet taste of Ferrero Rocher I ate hours ago would still remain.

So I anticipated and watched Tuesday’s episode ordering everyone around not to disturb me unless they craved for a Saw-like death. She didn’t arrive and I ended up watch some obnoxious fatass from Punjab ma-behen-her guts out, a couple of Bollywood wannabes play mind numbing politics, the chick from that awful Ekta Kapoor serial order around and that Pakistani bimbo stand in front of the camera time and again and speak in fake North American accent (which reminds me darling, stop screwing around with that loser Bollywood twat unless you want to star in some Multimedia sex scandal and/or/anyway get sliced into little pieces of meat when you land in Pakistan).

Pamela finally appeared on Wednesday looking a tad old but hot as ever in a white sari and I finally found it worth all the effort and under two hours of mindfucking I had tolerated on the show, and I began looking forward to the next episodes and it was all fine until I came across the news that the show was getting censored (along with the respected Rakhi Sawant’s melodrama which surely beats everything fucked up and fucked over you have ever witnessed). Just when I was beginning to get alarmed I realized that there was no cancelling or editing, only the telecast timings got shifted until after 11 pm and that is when my bullshit alarm rang off and I couldn’t stop laughing the fuck out of every tissue, ligament and muscle in my body.

Now, I know that the Indian government keeps on bettering itself every time it comes to taking totally laughable and dim-witted decisions (like not hanging Kasab, not removing reservations, not offering Arundhati Roy’s ass on a Bofors missile to Pashto-speaking-donkey-fucking Talibani militants, not pushing Obama down from the 14th floor of the Trident and not assassinating Dhoni publicly for picking up Ravindra Jadeja and Murali Vijay time and again) yet it has beaten itself this time.This action by the ministry sprouts several questions in my mind.

First and foremost, why do you find ever second thing around inappropriate? Isn’t that best left to Shiv Sena and Bajrang Dal?

Secondly, even if you do, what purpose are you solving by delaying the said obscene show’s telecast by 2 hours? How many kids do you know that actually go to bed before 11 anymore? I’m an Engineering student and on an average day that is the time the night usually commences for me. Even 10 year olds these days hang on to their Playstations for a long time until after their parents are asleep. Unless you’re an ugly first bencher prick that goes to bed every night at 10 to get up early only to cram made up shit I’m guessing you don’t hit the sack before at least midnight. And things will remain so as long as they keep producing dope(high-5 my boys!) and mobile phones(yes, most of you chicks are addicted and if no one calls you up unless you’re an introvert or hate late night chats it only means you’re unwanted and no one likes you, go kill yourself listening to Backstreet Boys’ newest album).

Thirdly, you have only given the show more publicity, even those who do not give a fuck about the two shows will now check them out only because they are now somehow out of bounds. Do what they specifically ask you not to do. Basic human psyche, right?

Why not just take the contents off air in case you don’t want people to watch it. Either you take away the right to free speech completely or you stop grumbling, morons.

Who exactly are you trying to save from these two shows in the name of Indian morals and ethics, the aunties that have watched every family value get blasted off to deep space on Ekta Kapoor sagas for the past 10 years or the youth that has downloaded and Bluetooth-ed every last piece of internet smut you can think of. Do you honestly think people aren’t coming across ma-behen encounters everyday in schools, buses, on the streets and from their husbands?

Importantly, since you are now fixing a time for telecasting such material shouldn’t the amount of graphic nature of the telecast vary proportionally to how late into the night we get from now on? 11 pm for cleavage and cuss-words to be followed by double X Sharon Stone-in-Basic-Instinct kind of stuff by late midnight and finally hideous bondage anal fucking later to sign off the night?

And among all this over-reacting and lameness, how could you miss the basic reason you need to justify for censoring these shows, which is that they are fucking brain-dead and reduce our country’s overall IQ and GDP by making everyone dumber than before, ban them on the basis of stupidity and for the TRPs(Totally Ridiculous People)they generate, so hard to figure out?

Ban Splitsvilla and Roadies not for the objectification of women and obscenity but for making this country’s youth aware that you can be as stupid as a little stone lying on the side of a road covered in dog shit and still end up becoming famous or a VJ. Meanwhile, I have had enough of this bullshit.

You’re all fucking phonies that piss me off.

I hereby censor you from my life. Fuck it, you’re all banned.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

I'd rather Face(a)book!

Trying to nail a couple of 3 page long Electromagnetic Field Theory derivations that no one gives a fuck about in my head this past weekend while browsing Facebook on my cell phone browser (subscribed for one month, the Vodafone chaps are probably too busy searching for a new Pug or something to disconnect, hah!) I actually realized how Facebook is very similar to facing a book. Like some high-weightage irritating-ass topic of your most hated subject there are always people on your friend list that you wish to dismember yet you have no choice but to deal with their annoying ass poke-ing just because they once invited you to a Pizza Hut party. I also made it clear in the last blog that Facebook is as full of dicks as Chatroulette, albeit metaphorically. So I came up with what I consider are the 12 most fucked up things you do on Facebook.

1) Adding random people
Now just because the picture of a pet British Bulldog that you found in somebody's album reminded you of your own cheeks is not quite the reason you should have sent an add request to the guy that owns the uglier-than-Vidya Balan creature on this planet. Have at least one tenth-the number of people out of the total in your list that actually know you and will give a fuck if you were to die from an overdose of Ranbir Kapoor movies anytime in near future.
FYI-Having more people in your list does not make you any more kEwL than VJ Bani from MTV. Even Uday Chopra has 55,000 Twitter followers.Live with it.

2) Emo/Cry baby updates that remind you of Ameesha Patel movies
Yes I know that your life sucks more than the Hoover WindTunnel Pet Cyclonic Upright Vacuum Model UH70085 but for your own sake-you don’t have to remind everyone of the said pathetic and whiny little existence 5 times a day do you?
Why did she leave me? is a rhetorical question you should not put up to 567 people that don't give a diving fuck about you but to the girl who couldn’t tolerate you calling her sweetu every time you recharged your sim with 99 bucks in exchange for free talk time minutes.

3)Shakespearan love reborn!
Well, if you're going to update me every 3 hours on the details of your most romantic date ever, if you want me to know that he bought you a meal at the ridiculously overpriced Pizza Hut after a 3 hour show of Emran Khan's latest release where proclaiming, "I'm sexy" is his cool-ass line to get Deepika Padukone wet, if you want me to know he wrote a special poem for you(probably Ctrl+ V-ed from Google, you're too dumb to figure out), if you want me to be aware of your most intimate and personal moments I’d rather just see you two fuck in front of a webcam and upload the link on your status. Yes, he’s showing you around restaurants and candle light dinners, and if it ever occurs to you, that is because someday he wants to bang you like a frenzied chimpanzee out of a zoo , so hard to figure? It’s not like he’s spending the college books money on a Pankaj Udhas concert. If your god gave you an extra pair of tits and holes that you could just wrap inside an overpriced Archies gift case and present to him once and for all such that he never has to put up with your repulsive horseshit ever again, that money would surely end up in the hands of a weed dealer at some dim-lit parking lot night after night.

4)I want to end my pathetic existence but I don't know how to

Now I realize that on a planet where Twilight is the most popular teen franchise, creating a page titled I miss you but I can't tell you can be totally overlooked and maybe you can excuse teenage girls for being a part of such a catastrophe but you know it’s going down the fucking drain when 20-something guys join communities based on pseudo-self misery and desolation such as:

She likes him.He likes her.Everyone knows except them.

Well they probably don't give a fuck. Try doing the same since its none of your business?

I pretend I don't care about you but I do.
Because you're too big a pussy to let her know, grow a pair. Or borrow one from Rajnikant, he's the hottest thing in India right now.

Q) Are you there?
A) Yeah, I just don't feel like answering to you.
Don’t. The sex ratio is currently 769:1000.She doesn't give a fuck, she will find someone else.

Saying, "I don't care" when you really do.
Seriously, start sucking Karan Johar's cock already.He shares the same sentiments in his movies.

I hate that empty feeling in your chest when you miss someone.
Maybe it’s a cardiology dysfunction and what you need is a bone marrow transplant, motherfucker!

One day you will regret not valuing me.I will be laughing and you will be crying.
Trust me, that is not going to happen. The self-humiliating-dim-witted little twat that you sound like-she would probably be happily blowing a Roadies contestant on an SUV backseat while you search for ways to get laid without breaking the law.

                                  And my personal favourite

I don't know why but I still love him/her.
Maybe because you know you will never find another transvestite that loves you back ever again?

5) Status updates that make you wish dinosaurs came back and consumed us all
                                       Usually of three kinds:

a) Philosophical and pseudo-intellectual bombs
Look I know you copy-paste from trying to sound intelligent. Anyway, if I gave a fuck about what Paulo Coelho and Robin S. Sharma have to say I wouldn’t be watching dick jokes on South Park right now would I?

b) Emo updates in 3rd person form:

Rajesh is very sad.He misses his pet Cobra that got eaten by Animal Planet's Jeff Corwin.
Okay so who the fuck are you then? His gay alter ego that wants to self-lick Rajesh’s balls on a private yacht somewhere in Venice?

c) Updates in Special characters-
If I wanted to see over-the-top presentation of something simple in a complex form I'd rather watch Priyanka Chopra in Anjaana Anjaani. Stick to English please, unless you want me to go blind?

6) Grow some weed on your farm or shove your mafias where the sun don't shine!
I can play Minesweeper on a Pentium 3 piece of Baboon shit for 3 continuous hours but if you're sending me details of your Farmville and Mafia wars achievements-I’m guessing your life is as pathetic as the farmers of Vidarbha and the Ray Ban wearing gangsters in Ram Gopal Verma’s movies.

7) The dumber-than-chicks-on-MTV advertisements
Also,I’ve known throughout my life of 21 years that I am a sinner (commencing from the time we started spending lunch breaks on school staircases patiently in search of beaver shots 8 years ago) and perhaps that is the reason Facebook is offering me special Free Bible lessons for you but no, thank you. Watching Dara Singh fly around in an orange dhoti on Doordashan 13 years ago was enough religious education for me.

8) Join the Rakhi Sawant appreciation page now!
No I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in becoming a member of the official fan pages of Bobby Deol or Ravindra Jadeja or Anu Malik.Buzz off.

9) So whats your Humanitarian cause?
Yes I’m fully aware that you caught Gonorrhoea when you fucked an illegal Nepali immigrant at a Commonwealth construction site but for your own sake-get off your ass and do something substantial about it instead of creating a page about it on Facebook and then forwarding it.

10)Applications that don't need applying
Just yesterday I came across one that offered to show me my American name and its meaning. Seriously American names have meanings too? The name of ex-Brazilian president(Luiz Lula Da Silva) makes as much sense to my brain than someone whose surname is Bush.(Goes without saying, after guys named Bush and Dick presided over world’s most powerful country and defence respectively for 8 years, is it much of a surprise that the Americans ended up fucking the whole world?).

And I’m hungry, get me a fucking chocolate pie from Wimpy’s or get the fuck out of my life! Your Fortune Cookie is no good with me.

11) *$%$@ just answered a question about you..

...that you need 25 credits to answer.
No, what I need is a credit card to buy myself this!

Do you think Nishant will ever make out with an older woman?
If she happens to be Eva Longoria, totally!

Is Nishant wearing an underwear right now?
Why do you care, are you Sunny Deol from Lux Cozi corporation?

Q) Can Nishant ever have kids?
A)$&%*'s answer is "No".

Alright bitch, if by your answer you implied what I think you did I’m going to kidnap your ass and make an Orangutan finger fuck you till you can't tell the difference between its face and that of Raghu Ram from Roadies(and the face of a 12 inch Ultra Pleasure dildo).



12) *%$#@ just visited your profile!

Alright girls, if I don’t know you and you ever happen to find me in your recent visitors list-it only means I was bored out of my texture-less hair and had absolutely nothing to do other than clicking on random profiles. So dare you start beaming or acting pricey on me. Unless of course, you have a smoking hot profiles picture (in which case be rest assured-I was totally checking you out like a Talibani suicide bomber entering a Los Angeles titty -bar for the first time). In the rare case that you're beauty with brains and I know you well I will probably end up asking you out someday (which would obviously happen after I delete Kelly Brooke’s recent Playboy photo shoot off my memory and hard drive).

On an ending note, if you have a nagging mother who just wouldn’t stop trying to use stuff like Facebook and a touch screen cell phone(which chances are would be screen-destroyed cause of the hard nail tapping) just to put her I-can-be-as-techno-savvy-as-this-generation obsession to rest, you MIGHT NEVER want to add her.

P.S. ~ I’m going back to learning the 3 page-long Electromagnetic Field Theory derivations that no one gives a fuck about.

P.P.S.~Just because no one liked your status update does not mean you have to do it yourself.

P.P.P.S.~ I have added smileys to this writing.

Log onto: to get yours.


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