Dear MTV, fuck you

I first came across you as a kid addicted to Linkin Park and Bon Jovi videos.You were called Music Television, a name you more than lived up to.The music, the VJs, Bakra, everything was cool, it was all good..But somewhere down the line you turned gay and decided that you wanted to suck more balls than a whore on a Saturday night.The freshness of your shows disappeared faster than heterosexual behaviour in a Karan Johar movie, the music turned shittier than a Municipality sewage tank and even a Ramgopal Verma movie is more entertaining than the new bunch of wannabe retards that you call VJs.

Dear Nikhil Chinappa- Dude, you were my hero 10 years ago.But for all your coolness on MTV Select, anger and tough guy brashness alongside that bald dickhead on Roadies, what the fuck are you doing hosting Talent shows for saas-bahu audience and making stupid bimbos strut their cleavage on Splitsvilla? Also, the ultra-bright Submerge Says : Dance T-shirt you keep flaunting on every second show you judge is louder than Metallica’s last album, that your Paagal-panti Quotient, eh?

Dear Jose- First of all, your name, goatee, haircut and look more than convince me that you are the lovechild of some illegal Mexican drug dealer and a Bihari Bar dancer. Second of all, what the fuck is up with you running around asking stupid questions to people only your channel considers to be celebs? Not surprised that you even have a whore in your name.I also realize that Ayushmann is giving you tips on how to over-over act and sound gayer than SRK but you don’t really have to follow that, just like no one follows the shows you host.

Dear Anusha-Yes, you are damn hot. But what the hell are you doing advising an 11 year old boy on how to wear fashionable clothes to impress girls, that too in that shitty upper lip accent of yours, the one that occasionally sounds worse than that fake North American horseshit Aishwarya gives a shot at every time she’s on Oprah or Letterman promoting her equally shitty Hollywood endeavors(by the way, what the fuck is she doing copying Will Smith’s Robot classic with the real Chennai Super King, does she not realize that only he has been granted with Physics and Logic defying talent by the almighty ?). But seriously Anusha, chick advice to a 10 year old? When I was that age I used to think boobs were nothing but a consequence of every female elder to me strangely getting bitten by a mosquito at the same two spots every time.

Dear Cyrus Broacha- Dude seriously, Y.O.U. A.R.E. N.O.T. F.U.C.K.I.N.G. F.U.N.N.Y. Sticking a finger up your nose for comedy on live TV stopped being funny by the time David Schwimmer got married for the 3rd time on F.R.I.E.N.D.S. I bet our Cricket team’s dismal performance in the last world cup was a sign of protest in response to you hosting the event for the whole cunt-ry.

Dear Bani- Just one thing.Its good to shut the fuck up once in a while, you know.Oh, and I love your Tattoo.

Coming back to you MTV, and coming back to your biggest contribution to Indian TV –Reality Shows. Now if I were to get started on Roadies(I am very scared of your sideburns Raghu bhaiya, please don’t ask me the definition of adventure or what it takes to be a Roadie if you’re reading this, I used to shit my pants every time you yelled at some dude anyway, and FYI-the stray dog that takes a piss on my front gate every morning can judge people better than you do) or Splitsvilla(bimbos mud-wrestling in bikinis in search for love?)i’m sure this site’s servers wouldn’t be big enough to store the sheer length of hatred I can come up with.Thanks to you and these two shows MTV, every Tom, Dick and Clitoris walking around is using the F-word at a fuck per sentence average rate that would make the Commonwealth Committee’s we're making progress rant to castrate itself in shame.

And yes, I do believe that these shows aren’t scripted. Just like WWE and the Bible. Also MTV, will you please try something apart from fake MMS rumors the next time you’re promoting these two shows, think of all the bandwidth that got wasted the past year due to lonely folks Googling Hot Sakshi and Tamanna mms scandal enthusiastically with their left hands.

Your biggest pick-up line has always been that you represent the Youth, but seriously, Ranbir Kapoor? Pepsi commercials? Youngistaan? How about an Oldistaan ad for my grandpa, he has made more difference to my neighborhood than Bani’s questions to Robin Uthappa during IPL Parties. You want to know the fucking reality of our Youth MTV? Most of our teenagers are fucked up mentally and physically cause of parental and peer pressure, Applied Maths, Drugs, bullies, drunken sex on the backseat of some SUV, poor grades and Pamela Anderson’s Playboy pictures. Don’t make them so brain dead that even the new reservations proposed by Lalu Prasad or some newly opened Work in Kanadda immigration agency in Punjab fail to promise them a future.

Also, please enlighten me why your Tickr is always making unoriginal jokes about people like Himesh who you otherwise keep on promoting 24x7 every time he comes up with a new movie opposite some under-aged girl.And what the fuck is up with this new Male Fantasy shit? 3 guys in a pool searching for lingerie while being surrounded by 25 bikini babes ? What are you going to sell next? I bet Rakhi Sawant Ka Insaaf is going to make for a more logical viewing.

Your equally kEwL brother Channel V is no less, Dare 2 Date, Lovenet , Roomies(MMS, did we say?).And what the fuck is this creature that runs around gali-mohallas calling himself Andy(by the way, guys gyrating to Techno music in their V shaped underwears being judged by Andy, please rename Get Gorgeous to Get Holy Fucking Gay).

I know MTV, I know that you are the coolest thing that ever happened to this planet, you even have that obnoxious cunt from Splitsvilla interview Meghna Naidu and Sherlyn Chopra outside Malls.That is very informative indeed.But why is it that everything you inflict upon us eventually gets reduced to girls walking/dancing/swimming in a bikini or flirting with every guy that walks their way or carrying out an open maa-behen encounter with each other in crowded areas?

No, I won’t accept it as Reality or Youth Representation, I refuse to.

Unless of course, you put me next to those Thai hotties on that Male Fantasy Thing.In that case I assure you, we're cool.