Why did you have to inflict upon us mortals a misery so gay and painful? Why?
The following piece of writing, my first ever blog is the result of my complete boredom and pissed off state of mind. I’m sure I have become too damn bored of being too bored for the past one month or so. Anyway, here's why I think Twilight is the worst piece of corporate bullshit since Backstreet Boys and the people behind it should be shot in the ass and then hanged thrice:
First of all, let us begin with the lead actor/vampire/super-hero/biggest fag ever. He’s a vampire who belongs to a family of “vegetarians” that only hunts animals(which I discovered after watching this movie makes me a veggie too since I haven’t really eaten any humans yet, never mind all the Butter Chickens and over-priced KFC buckets).In the movie he gets introduced in the gayest manner ever(right up there with Ranbir Kapoor’s towel dancing sequence in Saawariya)and sparkles every time he is exposed to sunlight which kind of makes me jealous since the last time I was out on some beach in some hot city exposed to the sun I had blisters all over my ass.He’s so white that the loser in those Fair and Handsome ads should screw SRK(open to all interpretations)and follow our perfectly bleached vampire boy with no protruding canines or mean dialogues or scary charisma(are you a fucking Vampire or Snowhite,dude?) .In fact every time he opens that lip gloss coated mouth to utter a word his Alice In Wonderland-like face looks like that last pizza he ate 108 years ago still hasn't found its way out of his butt.
Second of all, let us begin with Bella, the dumbest and most uninteresting female ever portrayed on celluloid, she’s so dim-witted and boring that she makes Kajol’s character in all the Karan Johar movies we’ve had to sit through for god knows what reason look like Jim Carrey from The Mask. Apparently, she cannot seem to deliver a single dialogue without either flinching(which reminds me of my exact reaction at the time my Chemistry teacher asked me the formula of Potash Alum back in 9th Standard) or a motion of moving her head sideways in a quick to and fro motion( which reminded me of the Simple Harmonic Motion lecture that followed the Chemistry mindfucking).She drives around in a car that makes my 96 model Maruti 800 look like an Aston Martin auctioned right off of a Bond flick. She does have a bimbo friend who wears hairbands straight out of the wardrobes of the girls I went to primary school with 10 years ago.Bella almost always has chance of dying(from reasons like being run over or getting eaten up by her “non vegetarian”-soon-to-be-in-the-third-movie-devarji).
She does have one very interesting quality about herself though, something that should keep all the guys interested.What?Really?!What the fuck have I been smoking? Okay, before I get castrated for saying this, let me open the Pandora’s(or Bella’s) box.She is downright horny.She is so horny she would even do that fat guy from Borat.But heck!Our gentleman sonny boy won’t even give her action. WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?! You’re refraining from sex?She wants to get it on and you’re talking marriage? What are you an Ekta-Kapoor-invented bahu? Just do her already before she decides to turn into a Swami Nityanand follower. You know how much awesome stuff you can do if you’re awake 24/7/365 than saving a bimbo’s ass and watch her sleep? And why the hell did you let the bitch go after she kissed Jacob a.k.a. Hollywood ka Salman Khan a.k.a. saaxy Werewolf. Clearly O.J. Simpson didn’t have any influence on you. How could you use up 3 fucking books to finally hump her? Or at least you could have done one of the gazillion teenage girls crazy over you and Justin Bieber.
Bella, do you know how high the number of rapes committed by sexually frustrated weirdos is? Yet you won’t give it up to a human? What the fuck is so special about a Vampire or/and Werewolf dick anyway? And you kept just staring out of the window doing nothing after he broke up with you, is that how America is fighting recession?
And since when did Americans start loving melodrama that is more than enough to put Rani Mukherjee to shame? And if Vampires can play Baseball then how about convincing the pyaasi chudails and kunwari dayans from apni very own C-grade Bollywood Horror flicks to take part in the upcoming CWG?
Finally, all the fan-girls, what next if this shiny guy is the perfect “soulmate” for you? Would you expect us normal straight guys to walk around looking, talking and sounding like Justin Bieber and Bobby Darling now? And will you stop looking up to Bella as a role model please?
Try Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian the next time. That would make things interesting and fun for everyone, I think.