Saturday, October 2, 2010

The thing with Same sex marriages

Now this particular piece I wrote primarily because of two reasons-firstly I had absolutely nothing to do(not that I do anything significant with my life otherwise)and my roommate won’t let me practice guitar because it is was 3 in the morning. Second of all, thanks to all the horseshit up on almost all of our TV channels these days I had nothing better to watch than this debate about same-sex marriages on BBC(mind numbing as it sounds, still beats watching re re re-runs of F.R.I.E.N.D.S. anytime).

Now this little half hour presentation obviously included a guy from some Gay Rights Organization (sporting a shiny yellow shirt embroidered with flower designs, yes he had joined the right organization)and a Roman Catholic Priest(who at the slightest mention of man-weds-man kept reacting like Dan Brown just wrote a new book revealing his ass to be the new location of the Holy Grail), a reaction probably similar to the other times he must have choked on some other show debating Evolution and Abortion and some Man-Boy-Love-Association(in favour this time, of course)crap .This also reminded me of all the previous times that I had come across such debates because the argument always sounds similar and lame. It usually contains Homosexuals and some religion fucking with them. In most cases-Christianity.

Now i’m fully aware that of all the major religions of the world none wants you to put it in the wrong hole of the wrong person. Yet it is absolutely infuriating how hardcore Christians always end up taking a hair up their ass whenever such kind of issues always turn up. One thing is for sure, most of the opposing people are definitely homophobic morons (everything logical-phobic actually). Secondly, the definition of hypocrisy should be re-entered into the Oxford Dictionary as Roman Catholic Church. Some of the crap it has come up with to justify opposing Homosexuality makes me want to puke the pack of Cream n Onion Lays I just had.

Firstly, how the hell does someone being gay affect someone else’s Freedom Of Religion?

Also, apparently Homosexuality is against God's will.

Well yeah, whatever happened to the Every human is God's gift to the world preaching my convent school nuns tried to nail into my head all my school life.

Apparently, Homosexuality acts are intrinsically disordered.They are contrary to the natural law.

Yes, and the fact that there was a man that you guys worship, who walked on water after being re-incarnated from the dead , given birth by a woman who conceived without fucking, and had his soul flown to heaven before he could die of being crucified obeys all sorts of natural phenomena and rules, doesn’t it ? Reminds me of my convent school life again, everyday began with Jesus showering his blessings all over me(somehow it never prevented me from getting my ass beaten at least twice a week for about 3 years by a Math teacher who I think, was a female version of Sylvester Stallone, spoke in worse manner than he does, and was probably more suitable for torturing her way to get information out of all the Al-Qaeda prisoners getting anal-fucked in Guantanamo Bay right now than messing up Trigonometry in front of 50 kids time and again).

But here is the real Catholic Church gem-Sex is meant for both procreation and plaesure, and one without the other is sinful, therefore making homosexual acts sinful.

Alright, first of all, how the fuck do you determine how sinful something is? Is there some laboratory test or something? Wait that can’t be true, you guys even hate Science for always being sinful as well, right? Also,the last time I checked little boys didn’t really procreate much stuff so I guess the kid-fucking must be for pleasure purposes eh(the saints are cum-ing)? And beware all you readers that are into oral or anal or any other non- God approved stuff guys grow up watching, you are so burning in hell along with Galileo and the guy who produced the sperm that eventually led to Karan Johar.

Finally, aren’t all kinds of marriages made in heaven, where Jesus resides, he won’t discriminate will he? On another note, do you guys really feel if Jesus was around right now he would give a supper if he magically came across Ricky Martin blowing Tom Cruise in the Swiss Alps?

As far as Hinduism is concerned, we mostly believe in Same Surname Marriages. Unless the other caste girl is rich, of course. Buddhists are probably too chilled out and peaceful to give a fuck.

Well i’m not touching on any other religions for the fear of getting my balls blown off.

Some governments do a good enough job calming down the situation fooling both sides by referring to gay marriages with wordplay such as ‘Civil Union’ or ‘Domestic Partnership’. Yes, getting down on your knees with a ring in hand and saying, “Dear, will you civil union me please? ” indeed sounds very romantic.

For obvious reasons, Homosexuality has its advantages, the most significant one being a slight control in the population explosion, in turn leading to less deforestation due to less construction demand, in turn leading to preservation of the eco system .Thus, delayingthe melting of Himalayan glaciers making sure that Bombay does not sink by 2020, which still would be a bad idea if they continue making brain-dead movies like Kites and Anjaana Anjaani. Another benefit is that the absence of irritating, wailing infants would surely prevent people from getting pissed off, angry and stressed up leading to a reduction in heart-related diseases in places like trains, parks and theatres(which reminds me, people, please don’t take your babies to the movies, I know you don’t have to buy a ticket for them and that’s all you care about but does it ever occur to you that babies don’t give a fuck about Inception’s complexity or Kareena’s size-zero ass?)

Most importantly, in the words of my favourite comedian Doug Stanhope-"The next time you find parking space in a mall, send a homo a drink and say, “thanks buddy”cause that is the guy who did not produce 9 ugly fucking kids and i’m parking there now."

As far as my opinion is concerned, I don’t give a stinking Butter Chicken-induced crap if my neighbour marries a Labrador as long as it promises not to shit in front of my house every morning or disturb me with loud barks every night while i’m trying to catch some sleep (which somehow refuses to embrace me for over an hour after I lie downdown searching for it every time).

So personally, live,die-whatever the fuck your existence tells you and let marry/divorce.

P.S.~ If you’re a homo reading this, I totally respect you and your rights, but you try anything funny with me, ever ,and I will chop you off with a Hacksaw and eat your liver with pepperoni sauce.

If you’re a hot lesbian though-email me, i’m sure we can work something out.


  1. *chuckles*

    sahi baat ekdum. i don't agree with anything said by someone who thinks 'altar boy'is a pseudonym for 'em bitches. homosexual marriages are fine. heck i don't care if you plan to wed a dog, if he is willing (sex is surely going to be a sore point but i don't care about your bedroom secrets) the less said the better about this subject.

  2. i just laughed in 10 different languages. I so get what you mean. Im with you. My mom would have probably fainted if she read this.
    Like just the other day i told her seriously that id rather just pray myself and go to church when im alone and its quiet than go to a church full of people(most of them who come because they want to show off their new dress the bought last saturday)and where the mass is usually in a language i cant understand(i mean whats the point if u cant understand). But no she went all ninja on me.(was a long discussion but haan i wont say here :-P) But i guess its the older generation thats not willing to compromise. The values instilled are just 2 hard to break. But now if u ask me majority of kids i knw dont even believe in god. Neways love ur blogs apple boy :P keep it up....
    ps- hope my moms not joined blogspot too XP

  3. I hope mine hasn't either.Anyway, yeah hypocrisy is one that that always pisses me off, and of all the religions Christianity is worse.Glad you liked it even though you're Catholic haha :P

  4. Really like the way you write. I got into a lot of trouble once when i pointed out the number of irritating infants in harry potter!

  5. Thank you.And yes, apart from Emma Watson's leaked paparazzi pictures I don't give a fuck about Harry Potter.And people wonder why J.K Rowling and Oprah Winfrey have so much money!

  6. meh.well they have money. cant really do anything about it.
    i didnt mean to bore you with my harry potter reference :)
    just thought i`d tell you i feel the same about kids!

  7. @ the risk of sounding like a feminist(which I am not), I've always wondered(aloud now), why
    1) 'homo' invariably connotes to gays?
    2) straight guys have a fixation for girl on girl action whereas they find it equally disgusting if it's something between 2(or more) men?

  8. 1-Pop culture reference, darling.Why's there a word called gentlemen but no gentleladies?
    2-Well put yourself in a guy's place, if Megan Fox bending over a bike is enough to make guys watch the long sequel to Transformers then 2(or more :P)chicks making out surely accounts to armageddon!
    The question here(that I don't want answered)is-Would girls dig 2(or more:P) guys making out? Please don't answer!



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