The Indian Olympic Association today announced that it has approved a sum of rupees 100 crores to be spent on preparing the Indian athletes for the 3040 Olympics(to be held in the capital of whichever country that manages not to piss off the Arabs and Chinese in the next 128 years to come, and definitely not in Greece because Germany is probably going to buy it for 27 Euros by then).Speaking to the acclaimed local daily-The Times Of India, the IOC president Randhir Singh explained this unique strategy saying, “See, it’s the result of a simple observation that we’ve made over the past couple of Olympic games. Some virtually unknown athletes are coming out of nowhere and winning medals for the country which is resulting in various state governments and sporting bodies often awarding them about 1 crore rupees and popular brands like Koutons and Lotto inviting them to ribbon cutting ceremonies. Also looking at India’s past Olympic records and how India’s total medals tally increased an astonishing 3 times in the 2008 Beijing Olympics to 3 medals as compared to 1 in 2004, while also keeping in mind that we could end up with 5 or 6 medals in the ongoing 2012 edition, we’re noticing a new pattern in the increment of our Olympic medals tally, which according to our sophisticated analysis will be up to 100 by the 3040 Olympics. So we have decided to announce the 100 crores in advance so our coming generations will work hard and be motivated knowing that they have a huge prize money and brand endorsements like Sunfeast and Hero Cycles waiting if they bring laurels to the country in the 3040 Olympics.”
When asked if that money should rather be spent on creating sporting infrastructure, an angry and visually irritated Randhir Singh retorted, “ What?! You mean creating gymnasiums and sporting facilities where everyone could practise?! Are you out of your mind? See, we know that no country in history has ever had an Olympics where every participant won a medal so why should we spend this kind of money on those who did not win anything? In fact we should ask the non-performing athletes to pay us back because we handle all their expenses when they’re out there getting their asses handed to them on a plate in games like Hockey. You have no idea how said I got when I found out that Mrs. Pratibha Patil had to tragically cut-short her last presidential vacation to Mauritius by 17 minutes and two trips to the spa just because a couple of Haryana villagers had qualified for London 2012.Also, it would be cruel to take away anymore of the farmers’ land for construction of sporting complexes, don’t you think? Not to mention that someone in the meeting suggested following Amir Khan's ideology on this so I downloaded his movie called Jo Jeeta Wahi Sikandar which again re-assured my idea of winner-takes-all."
He also added, “See, this sum is probably the same amount of money that the Chinese or American Olympic Associations will be spending on their athletes. I know they do end up getting about 25 times more medals than us in every games and I also know that India has the least per capita Olympic medals of all the nations in Olympic history but what’s the point of all that when none of the money they will spend is going to make their athletes any richer? At the end of the day medals don’t pay your bills, money does, and the last time I checked the London Olympic gold medals had a market value of not more than 15 Euros(which is a shame because I stole a couple of them from some faggy 20 km walk Heptathlon winner and smuggled them inside my rectum on the flight back to Delhi) .I mean look at Micheal Phelps, he might have individually won more medals than India has won in its entire Olympic history but has anyone ever realized if he was born in India he would probably be a millionaire by now, even at the expense of bankrupting his home state after ever Olympics? ”
Also known for his sense of humor in his close circle consisting of legendary Indian Olympic officials like Suresh Kalmadi and KPS Gill, he finished the announcement with a light-hearted statement saying, “Remember everyone, we do win Bronze and Silver, and as long as the Gold keeps eluding us just keep in mind that we have something that neither the US, nor the Russian Federation can match up to with all their gold medals- we have Bappi Lahiri.”
P.S.~Reading this report Amir Khan posted this on his Twitter account," Sir, no offence but the man who told you to follow my philosophy probably meant Satyamev Jayate."