Trying to nail a couple of 3 page long Electromagnetic Field Theory derivations that no one gives a fuck about in my head this past weekend while browsing Facebook on my cell phone browser (subscribed for one month, the Vodafone chaps are probably too busy searching for a new Pug or something to disconnect, hah!) I actually realized how Facebook is very similar to facing a book. Like some high-weightage irritating-ass topic of your most hated subject there are always people on your friend list that you wish to dismember yet you have no choice but to deal with their annoying ass poke-ing just because they once invited you to a Pizza Hut party. I also made it clear in the last blog that Facebook is as full of dicks as Chatroulette, albeit metaphorically. So I came up with what I consider are the 12 most fucked up things you do on Facebook.
1) Adding random people
Now just because the picture of a pet British Bulldog that you found in somebody's album reminded you of your own cheeks is not quite the reason you should have sent an add request to the guy that owns the uglier-than-Vidya Balan creature on this planet. Have at least one tenth-the number of people out of the total in your list that actually know you and will give a fuck if you were to die from an overdose of Ranbir Kapoor movies anytime in near future.
FYI-Having more people in your list does not make you any more kEwL than VJ Bani from MTV. Even Uday Chopra has 55,000 Twitter followers.Live with it.
2) Emo/Cry baby updates that remind you of Ameesha Patel movies
Yes I know that your life sucks more than the Hoover WindTunnel Pet Cyclonic Upright Vacuum Model UH70085 but for your own sake-you don’t have to remind everyone of the said pathetic and whiny little existence 5 times a day do you?
Why did she leave me? is a rhetorical question you should not put up to 567 people that don't give a diving fuck about you but to the girl who couldn’t tolerate you calling her sweetu every time you recharged your sim with 99 bucks in exchange for free talk time minutes.
3)Shakespearan love reborn!
Well, if you're going to update me every 3 hours on the details of your most romantic date ever, if you want me to know that he bought you a meal at the ridiculously overpriced Pizza Hut after a 3 hour show of Emran Khan's latest release where proclaiming, "I'm sexy" is his cool-ass line to get Deepika Padukone wet, if you want me to know he wrote a special poem for you(probably Ctrl+ V-ed from Google, you're too dumb to figure out), if you want me to be aware of your most intimate and personal moments I’d rather just see you two fuck in front of a webcam and upload the link on your status. Yes, he’s showing you around restaurants and candle light dinners, and if it ever occurs to you, that is because someday he wants to bang you like a frenzied chimpanzee out of a zoo , so hard to figure? It’s not like he’s spending the college books money on a Pankaj Udhas concert. If your god gave you an extra pair of tits and holes that you could just wrap inside an overpriced Archies gift case and present to him once and for all such that he never has to put up with your repulsive horseshit ever again, that money would surely end up in the hands of a weed dealer at some dim-lit parking lot night after night.
4)I want to end my pathetic existence but I don't know how to
Now I realize that on a planet where Twilight is the most popular teen franchise, creating a page titled I miss you but I can't tell you can be totally overlooked and maybe you can excuse teenage girls for being a part of such a catastrophe but you know it’s going down the fucking drain when 20-something guys join communities based on pseudo-self misery and desolation such as:
She likes him.He likes her.Everyone knows except them.
Well they probably don't give a fuck. Try doing the same since its none of your business?
I pretend I don't care about you but I do.
Because you're too big a pussy to let her know, grow a pair. Or borrow one from Rajnikant, he's the hottest thing in India right now.
Q) Are you there?
A) Yeah, I just don't feel like answering to you.
Don’t. The sex ratio is currently 769:1000.She doesn't give a fuck, she will find someone else.
Saying, "I don't care" when you really do.
Seriously, start sucking Karan Johar's cock already.He shares the same sentiments in his movies.
I hate that empty feeling in your chest when you miss someone.
Maybe it’s a cardiology dysfunction and what you need is a bone marrow transplant, motherfucker!
One day you will regret not valuing me.I will be laughing and you will be crying.
Trust me, that is not going to happen. The self-humiliating-dim-witted little twat that you sound like-she would probably be happily blowing a Roadies contestant on an SUV backseat while you search for ways to get laid without breaking the law.
And my personal favourite
I don't know why but I still love him/her.
Maybe because you know you will never find another transvestite that loves you back ever again?
5) Status updates that make you wish dinosaurs came back and consumed us all
Usually of three kinds:
a) Philosophical and pseudo-intellectual bombs
Look I know you copy-paste from http://www.quotegarden.com/ trying to sound intelligent. Anyway, if I gave a fuck about what Paulo Coelho and Robin S. Sharma have to say I wouldn’t be watching dick jokes on South Park right now would I?
b) Emo updates in 3rd person form:
Rajesh is very sad.He misses his pet Cobra that got eaten by Animal Planet's Jeff Corwin.
Okay so who the fuck are you then? His gay alter ego that wants to self-lick Rajesh’s balls on a private yacht somewhere in Venice?
c) Updates in Special characters-
If I wanted to see over-the-top presentation of something simple in a complex form I'd rather watch Priyanka Chopra in Anjaana Anjaani. Stick to English please, unless you want me to go blind?
6) Grow some weed on your farm or shove your mafias where the sun don't shine!
I can play Minesweeper on a Pentium 3 piece of Baboon shit for 3 continuous hours but if you're sending me details of your Farmville and Mafia wars achievements-I’m guessing your life is as pathetic as the farmers of Vidarbha and the Ray Ban wearing gangsters in Ram Gopal Verma’s movies.
7) The dumber-than-chicks-on-MTV advertisements
Also,I’ve known throughout my life of 21 years that I am a sinner (commencing from the time we started spending lunch breaks on school staircases patiently in search of beaver shots 8 years ago) and perhaps that is the reason Facebook is offering me special Free Bible lessons for you but no, thank you. Watching Dara Singh fly around in an orange dhoti on Doordashan 13 years ago was enough religious education for me.
8) Join the Rakhi Sawant appreciation page now!
No I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in becoming a member of the official fan pages of Bobby Deol or Ravindra Jadeja or Anu Malik.Buzz off.
9) So whats your Humanitarian cause?
Yes I’m fully aware that you caught Gonorrhoea when you fucked an illegal Nepali immigrant at a Commonwealth construction site but for your own sake-get off your ass and do something substantial about it instead of creating a page about it on Facebook and then forwarding it.
10)Applications that don't need applying
Just yesterday I came across one that offered to show me my American name and its meaning. Seriously American names have meanings too? The name of ex-Brazilian president(Luiz Lula Da Silva) makes as much sense to my brain than someone whose surname is Bush.(Goes without saying, after guys named Bush and Dick presided over world’s most powerful country and defence respectively for 8 years, is it much of a surprise that the Americans ended up fucking the whole world?).
And I’m hungry, get me a fucking chocolate pie from Wimpy’s or get the fuck out of my life! Your Fortune Cookie is no good with me.
11) *$%$@ just answered a question about you..
...that you need 25 credits to answer.
No, what I need is a credit card to buy myself this!
Do you think Nishant will ever make out with an older woman?
If she happens to be Eva Longoria, totally!
Is Nishant wearing an underwear right now?
Why do you care, are you Sunny Deol from Lux Cozi corporation?
Q) Can Nishant ever have kids?
A)$&%*'s answer is "No".
Alright bitch, if by your answer you implied what I think you did I’m going to kidnap your ass and make an Orangutan finger fuck you till you can't tell the difference between its face and that of Raghu Ram from Roadies(and the face of a 12 inch Ultra Pleasure dildo).
Alright girls, if I don’t know you and you ever happen to find me in your recent visitors list-it only means I was bored out of my texture-less hair and had absolutely nothing to do other than clicking on random profiles. So dare you start beaming or acting pricey on me. Unless of course, you have a smoking hot profiles picture (in which case be rest assured-I was totally checking you out like a Talibani suicide bomber entering a Los Angeles titty -bar for the first time). In the rare case that you're beauty with brains and I know you well I will probably end up asking you out someday (which would obviously happen after I delete Kelly Brooke’s recent Playboy photo shoot off my memory and hard drive).
On an ending note, if you have a nagging mother who just wouldn’t stop trying to use stuff like Facebook and a touch screen cell phone(which chances are would be screen-destroyed cause of the hard nail tapping) just to put her I-can-be-as-techno-savvy-as-this-generation obsession to rest, you MIGHT NEVER want to add her.
P.S. ~ I’m going back to learning the 3 page-long Electromagnetic Field Theory derivations that no one gives a fuck about.
P.P.S.~Just because no one liked your status update does not mean you have to do it yourself.
P.P.P.S.~ I have added smileys to this writing.
Log onto: http://www.yousuckmajorasscrack.com/ to get yours.