I hereby censor you, bitches!(Part 1)

Okay, I’m pissed again. Just 2 hours after I had relished the best dinner ever last night-courtesy mindblowing dal makhani with the softest Tandoori rotis ever while gawking at Pamela Anderson’s 43 year old Silicon-ized yet still totally ultra hot side boob I found out that the show was getting censored and I didn’t have enough money to pay for the delicious cuisine.


Now, while the monetary matter is no big deal anymore for me since I’ve found myself experiencing the state of broke-dom on more occasions than you have typed lolzzzzz or some Rajnikant joke on Facebook, anything or anyone that attempts to separate me from my Pammie will face the wrath of my raging inferno similar to that of the bad-ass action movie character of Viviek Oberoi(or is it Viveik? Fuck Numerology dude, you know you suck and changing the way you spell your name will not make your movies not suck or suck any less than they already suck so go suck on the same American hooker’s titties whose accent you try to copy every time you get interviewed by the folks at ETC Punjabi) .

I’ve been a fan of Pam since the time I used to get my ass kicked (figuratively) during parent-teacher meetings back in junior high school. Watching late night Baywatch telecasts only to be knocked down night after night(literally) during teenage, thanks to her 100 plus Playboy pictures(thank you CERN, or whoever the fuck Dan Brown says created Internet) and she still remains the hottest blonde ever to walk this planet and not even Charlize Theron or Carmen Electra or Maria Sharapova or Torrie Wilson from WWE come close(think of Paris Hilton or Britney Spears in this list and I shoot you in the neck) and I will never let the Information and Broadcasting Ministry or any bunch of balding old fucks incapable of getting laid anymore deprive me of that.

Now, I have hated these reality shows ever since MTV let Roadies and Splitsvilla out of its horseshit-box kept preserved for our particular dickhead-for-a-real-head generation and I have bashed every such show more than enough in my previous 8 blogs to start ranting again. So, needless to say, Bigg Boss has always been just another ridiculously-scripted-and-mass-fed-to-entertainment-hungry-douchebags piece of shit for me and when I heard the news of Pamela’s arrival the decision to watch the show was like swallowing my own puke hoping that the sweet taste of Ferrero Rocher I ate hours ago would still remain.

So I anticipated and watched Tuesday’s episode ordering everyone around not to disturb me unless they craved for a Saw-like death. She didn’t arrive and I ended up watch some obnoxious fatass from Punjab ma-behen-her guts out, a couple of Bollywood wannabes play mind numbing politics, the chick from that awful Ekta Kapoor serial order around and that Pakistani bimbo stand in front of the camera time and again and speak in fake North American accent (which reminds me darling, stop screwing around with that loser Bollywood twat unless you want to star in some Multimedia sex scandal and/or/anyway get sliced into little pieces of meat when you land in Pakistan).

Pamela finally appeared on Wednesday looking a tad old but hot as ever in a white sari and I finally found it worth all the effort and under two hours of mindfucking I had tolerated on the show, and I began looking forward to the next episodes and it was all fine until I came across the news that the show was getting censored (along with the respected Rakhi Sawant’s melodrama which surely beats everything fucked up and fucked over you have ever witnessed). Just when I was beginning to get alarmed I realized that there was no cancelling or editing, only the telecast timings got shifted until after 11 pm and that is when my bullshit alarm rang off and I couldn’t stop laughing the fuck out of every tissue, ligament and muscle in my body.

Now, I know that the Indian government keeps on bettering itself every time it comes to taking totally laughable and dim-witted decisions (like not hanging Kasab, not removing reservations, not offering Arundhati Roy’s ass on a Bofors missile to Pashto-speaking-donkey-fucking Talibani militants, not pushing Obama down from the 14th floor of the Trident and not assassinating Dhoni publicly for picking up Ravindra Jadeja and Murali Vijay time and again) yet it has beaten itself this time.This action by the ministry sprouts several questions in my mind.

First and foremost, why do you find ever second thing around inappropriate? Isn’t that best left to Shiv Sena and Bajrang Dal?

Secondly, even if you do, what purpose are you solving by delaying the said obscene show’s telecast by 2 hours? How many kids do you know that actually go to bed before 11 anymore? I’m an Engineering student and on an average day that is the time the night usually commences for me. Even 10 year olds these days hang on to their Playstations for a long time until after their parents are asleep. Unless you’re an ugly first bencher prick that goes to bed every night at 10 to get up early only to cram made up shit I’m guessing you don’t hit the sack before at least midnight. And things will remain so as long as they keep producing dope(high-5 my boys!) and mobile phones(yes, most of you chicks are addicted and if no one calls you up unless you’re an introvert or hate late night chats it only means you’re unwanted and no one likes you, go kill yourself listening to Backstreet Boys’ newest album).

Thirdly, you have only given the show more publicity, even those who do not give a fuck about the two shows will now check them out only because they are now somehow out of bounds. Do what they specifically ask you not to do. Basic human psyche, right?

Why not just take the contents off air in case you don’t want people to watch it. Either you take away the right to free speech completely or you stop grumbling, morons.

Who exactly are you trying to save from these two shows in the name of Indian morals and ethics, the aunties that have watched every family value get blasted off to deep space on Ekta Kapoor sagas for the past 10 years or the youth that has downloaded and Bluetooth-ed every last piece of internet smut you can think of. Do you honestly think people aren’t coming across ma-behen encounters everyday in schools, buses, on the streets and from their husbands?

Importantly, since you are now fixing a time for telecasting such material shouldn’t the amount of graphic nature of the telecast vary proportionally to how late into the night we get from now on? 11 pm for cleavage and cuss-words to be followed by double X Sharon Stone-in-Basic-Instinct kind of stuff by late midnight and finally hideous bondage anal fucking later to sign off the night?

And among all this over-reacting and lameness, how could you miss the basic reason you need to justify for censoring these shows, which is that they are fucking brain-dead and reduce our country’s overall IQ and GDP by making everyone dumber than before, ban them on the basis of stupidity and for the TRPs(Totally Ridiculous People)they generate, so hard to figure out?

Ban Splitsvilla and Roadies not for the objectification of women and obscenity but for making this country’s youth aware that you can be as stupid as a little stone lying on the side of a road covered in dog shit and still end up becoming famous or a VJ. Meanwhile, I have had enough of this bullshit.

You’re all fucking phonies that piss me off.

I hereby censor you from my life. Fuck it, you’re all banned.