Saturday, October 9, 2010

India's Retard Box

Nopes, TV is just not Idiot Box anymore, specially Indian TV, it just does not deserved to be called that now, it has been dumbed down and dim-witted far too much to still be referred to by a word as un-glorified and plain as idiot.I don’t even know where to begin giving reasons; first of all, we’ve got Aajtak, Star News, IBN 7 and India TV –collectively predicting the world’s end every fortnight, giving us the exact location of the place Lord Shiva resides, enlightening us with important Saas-Bahu aur Saajish news and whether Aliens do drink cow milk indeed.No shitting.

You’ve got Zee TV, a channel that helps lift the confidence of the entire nation creating successful people every 2 months-courtesy the gazillion talent shows which means that soon we will have more winners running around than losers like me who have never had the opportunity to enrich their lives by being on shows like Roadies and Splitsvilla-two shows that “represent Indian Youth” like nothing else.

Then there’s Sony-the channel(that gave us the legendary ACP Pradyuman and Oh god yaahan pe toh laash hai, Daya darwaaza tod do!) where Anu Malik and Archana Puran Singh wouldn’t shut the fuck up,  Anu with his tough-Simon Cowell impersonation and stupid A-A, B-B rhyming scheme one-liners and Archana on obnoxious comedy shows with fake laughter tracks.

Not to mention Star Plus-the flag bearer of Indian saas-bahus since the very first Ekta Kapoor show where an Indian woman got married for the first time to a rich businessman she would re-marry 10 years and 75 divorces later.

There’s this Hospital drama on Star One more dramatic than the equally shitty Grey’s Anatomy it tries to copy, just like MTV shows such as Splitsvilla are like dumb-fucked versions of Desperate Housewives(Desperate House-whores?).

Also, we’ve got Star NEWS that boasts of the Sansani guy who looks like a Christian-Bale-in-American-Psycho kind of serial rapist and will never stop pointing at the camera and yelling-Chain se sona hai toh jaag jaiye!

There’re ETC and ETC Punjabi, two channels that kind of make me think that every NRI Punjabi munda on this planet is a Snoop Dogg–inspired thug(to all the Punjabi rappers-Guys, just because Bohemia sold 5 million records with 3 albums rapping about 1)doing weed and  chicks and 2)doing weed and chicks and 3)doing weed and chicks does not mean one bit that your balls should start itching at the slightest thought of a video consisting of rented Lamborghinis and fake-tit models, have more substance than boobs in your music please?).

We’ve got Ganguly-our once national hero now been reduced to hosting some lame ass game show on Bengali TV or something. Then there’re men on Discovery and Animal Planet who pick up snakes like Emraan Hashmi picks up chicks in Mahesh Bhatt-produced movies-one on each hand, one on the head and the remaining where-the-fuck-ever.For Wrestling fans there’s TNA Ke Sikandar-where commentators can be seen reading incessantly from the script.

The biggest piece of prime time mind-numbing up on TV right now though, has to be BIGG BOSS.Just because Shilpa Shetty took 5 crores to cry all sensitive and sissy on this show’s BIGG BROTHER does not mean you take 15-odd losers of epic proportions and lock them up in a house does it?

Also, you either show soft porn or spirituality. No middle ground please. Imagine sitting in your living room someday, totally bored, all by yourself, flipping frantically through various channels, overtaken by lust-searching for bikini babes on FTV or something, only to end up unexpectedly on a close up of a butt naked Munishri Tarun Saagar ji and his pubic hair on Aastha Channel while he is sitting wearing nothing but spectacles, ranting away some pseudo-spiritual bullshit about cleansing(he would do a better job if he cleansed his body hair first) their souls to fat Aunties in a voice that would make the shrill supersonic cacophony of Scandinavian bats sound like that Titanic single by Celine Dione, this also reminds me that if my mom wakes me up at 7 to watch the thumping-hairy chest of Baba Ramdev, outstretched on the floor wearing orange coloured boxers and then lifting his legs high in the air only to end up pointing his ass at the camera ever again, an overdose of the most erotic Carmen Electra Playboy stripteases wouldn’t be enough to help me recuperate from the visual and sexual trauma that is likely to haunt me for the rest of my life.

Personally I cannot wait for Rakhi Sawant’s Rakhi Ka Insaaf. Already saw the promos of a cleavage revealing-cat eyed Rakhi yelling- tu to saala na-mard hai at some stunned guy sitting next to the wife he probably cheated on.Enough said,it is going to be epic. Start counting the TRPs(Totally Ridiculous Peeps) this show is going to generate already. The success of this show to be followed by Rakhi Ka IPL(Indian Pappi League).
P.S.~  Up yours Rajat Sharma and Kiran Bedi, this country does not need your justice anymore.


  1. dude this rakhi think will be awesome IMO. im pretty sick and tired with the tv scene myself. for my research topic i was supposed to study indian soaps. then i decided to change my topic to south park to being brain dead. (that reminds me, why is the ONLY real good show on tv, south park replaced by shitty jersey shore? which incidentally is also the premise of the next episode of south park)

  2. Yes, Rakhi's show is going to be epic indeed.And I know VH1 always ends up replacing the good shows with bullcrap like Laguna Beach, The O.C. and Jersey Shore! :X

  3. bwhahahah @ 2nd last para... you soo funny mayneee ...
    ah well i dont watch the tele no more.. just listen to music on ztrendz and vh1. Im free from that thing they call diseased retard box :)
    -reality shows *yawn yawn*
    -mtv aur channel v music *snore snore*
    -jose *one tight slap*
    -those hindi soaps *should star crocodiles, cuz humans as sure cant stop with their constant ranting n crying and wierd nose sounds they make..i mean atleast it will be way better watching crocodiles fight n eat each other and dress up in frilly dresses* :| :|
    did that make sense..? idk but i just felt like saying that :P
    Awesome blog alltogether :D

  4. Haha thank you, and yes, that Crocodile thing was weird indeed :D

  5. the a-a b-b rhyme. good one.
    anu malik is too much to bear..

  6. so greys anatomy is shitty and desperate housewives is whore-ish. Not that I mind u taking down the entire indian television scene (i actually applaud you for it) but you have also taken down some well written emmy winning shows with them. Having done so, care to tell us what shows u Do like?

  7. @Rajat
    Thank you.And yes, anyone who has watched American Idol will know how Anu Malik tries sounding badass just like Simon Cowell did and ends up sucking at that even more.

    @Classy and amp(?)... (damn what is your name?)

    Okay so you really think Emmy and Grammy are two awards that decide winners on the basis of quality and not their comercial value? Grey's Anatomy is more melodramatic than a Karan Johar movie and don't even get me started on DH!
    Anyway i'm a total sucker for Southpark and The Big Bang Theory.

  8. Anu Malik can never be anything even close to Simon!

    Dude, I followed you up here from Indiblogger forum, coz you are a South park fan!

    As the great man says "Screw ya gaaays, am gawing howme" :P

    See you around on my blog! :)

  9. "We’ve got Ganguly-our once national hero now been reduced to hosting some lame ass game show on Bengali TV or something" ...Hahaha :D :P

    Really man you have pointed out some of the shittiest telecasts of Indian television. Awesome post :D

    Btw, hope you like my post - When love calls

    Take care and keep writing such posts! :)

  10. It isnt based on popularity if it were gossip girl and other teen age dramas would be ruling all these awards dont you think?

  11. @Classy

    Well there's only limite amount of stupidity you can award, right? Anyway, Lady Gaga sells 10 times as many albums as Iron Maiden or Dream Theate, quality is not really judged by talent you know. Anyway you need to check out my Twilight post for more :D

    Yeah, nice stuff man!

  12. hmmm... humour yes but also a lot of frustration and feeling at oddity with the world... the language is a bit strong for my taste but I enjoy reading khamba and I enjoyed reading this piece as well..

    I do agree that telly has gone to hell but there are a lot of good programs as well; Bones, Criminal Minds... etc

    I like watching Bigg Boss 4 after a hectic day... helps me relax!

    and yah Rakhi ka insaaf is an epic disaster... I have always avoided from watching her shows and will do that this time around as well!

  13. Well yeah, I was inspired by comedians like Doug Stanhope hence the anger.
    And Bones gets very predictable after some time.Anyway, glad you liked it.Thank you. :)



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