India's Retard Box

Nopes, TV is just not Idiot Box anymore, specially Indian TV, it just does not deserved to be called that now, it has been dumbed down and dim-witted far too much to still be referred to by a word as un-glorified and plain as idiot.I don’t even know where to begin giving reasons; first of all, we’ve got Aajtak, Star News, IBN 7 and India TV –collectively predicting the world’s end every fortnight, giving us the exact location of the place Lord Shiva resides, enlightening us with important Saas-Bahu aur Saajish news and whether Aliens do drink cow milk indeed.No shitting.

You’ve got Zee TV, a channel that helps lift the confidence of the entire nation creating successful people every 2 months-courtesy the gazillion talent shows which means that soon we will have more winners running around than losers like me who have never had the opportunity to enrich their lives by being on shows like Roadies and Splitsvilla-two shows that “represent Indian Youth” like nothing else.

Then there’s Sony-the channel(that gave us the legendary ACP Pradyuman and Oh god yaahan pe toh laash hai, Daya darwaaza tod do!) where Anu Malik and Archana Puran Singh wouldn’t shut the fuck up,  Anu with his tough-Simon Cowell impersonation and stupid A-A, B-B rhyming scheme one-liners and Archana on obnoxious comedy shows with fake laughter tracks.

Not to mention Star Plus-the flag bearer of Indian saas-bahus since the very first Ekta Kapoor show where an Indian woman got married for the first time to a rich businessman she would re-marry 10 years and 75 divorces later.

There’s this Hospital drama on Star One more dramatic than the equally shitty Grey’s Anatomy it tries to copy, just like MTV shows such as Splitsvilla are like dumb-fucked versions of Desperate Housewives(Desperate House-whores?).

Also, we’ve got Star NEWS that boasts of the Sansani guy who looks like a Christian-Bale-in-American-Psycho kind of serial rapist and will never stop pointing at the camera and yelling-Chain se sona hai toh jaag jaiye!

There’re ETC and ETC Punjabi, two channels that kind of make me think that every NRI Punjabi munda on this planet is a Snoop Dogg–inspired thug(to all the Punjabi rappers-Guys, just because Bohemia sold 5 million records with 3 albums rapping about 1)doing weed and  chicks and 2)doing weed and chicks and 3)doing weed and chicks does not mean one bit that your balls should start itching at the slightest thought of a video consisting of rented Lamborghinis and fake-tit models, have more substance than boobs in your music please?).

We’ve got Ganguly-our once national hero now been reduced to hosting some lame ass game show on Bengali TV or something. Then there’re men on Discovery and Animal Planet who pick up snakes like Emraan Hashmi picks up chicks in Mahesh Bhatt-produced movies-one on each hand, one on the head and the remaining where-the-fuck-ever.For Wrestling fans there’s TNA Ke Sikandar-where commentators can be seen reading incessantly from the script.

The biggest piece of prime time mind-numbing up on TV right now though, has to be BIGG BOSS.Just because Shilpa Shetty took 5 crores to cry all sensitive and sissy on this show’s BIGG BROTHER does not mean you take 15-odd losers of epic proportions and lock them up in a house does it?

Also, you either show soft porn or spirituality. No middle ground please. Imagine sitting in your living room someday, totally bored, all by yourself, flipping frantically through various channels, overtaken by lust-searching for bikini babes on FTV or something, only to end up unexpectedly on a close up of a butt naked Munishri Tarun Saagar ji and his pubic hair on Aastha Channel while he is sitting wearing nothing but spectacles, ranting away some pseudo-spiritual bullshit about cleansing(he would do a better job if he cleansed his body hair first) their souls to fat Aunties in a voice that would make the shrill supersonic cacophony of Scandinavian bats sound like that Titanic single by Celine Dione, this also reminds me that if my mom wakes me up at 7 to watch the thumping-hairy chest of Baba Ramdev, outstretched on the floor wearing orange coloured boxers and then lifting his legs high in the air only to end up pointing his ass at the camera ever again, an overdose of the most erotic Carmen Electra Playboy stripteases wouldn’t be enough to help me recuperate from the visual and sexual trauma that is likely to haunt me for the rest of my life.

Personally I cannot wait for Rakhi Sawant’s Rakhi Ka Insaaf. Already saw the promos of a cleavage revealing-cat eyed Rakhi yelling- tu to saala na-mard hai at some stunned guy sitting next to the wife he probably cheated on.Enough said,it is going to be epic. Start counting the TRPs(Totally Ridiculous Peeps) this show is going to generate already. The success of this show to be followed by Rakhi Ka IPL(Indian Pappi League).

P.S.~  Up yours Rajat Sharma and Kiran Bedi, this country does not need your justice anymore.

Muah!